Friday, August 12, 2011

Rebuttal: Pineapple is a Citrus fruit

Figure I: Prehistoric pineapple sitting next to its fellow Citrus Kin.  Please see below for a detailed explanation of this highly accurate (and awfully cute) diagram.
 My Beloved friend Jes and I enjoy elaborate discussions about a variety of topics.   Over the years some of these discussions have become debates.  

       Agreeably, we have argued about many things,  "What is the Spanish variation of Reba Mcentire's name?" (which as it turns out is Arriba) & "What is the French-Canadienne form of Celine Dion's name?" (which happens to be Saline-not unlike the contact solution).  

       Yet, amongst the most heated and riot-inciting of our debates was our infamous conflict as to whether the fruit pineapple is or is not a citrus fruit.

       Now, certainly, most of your are thinking to yourself "What is there to debate? Pineapple is a citrus fruit."  To those of you likeminded individuals I say several things:

      Firstly, you are quite correct.  That being said, we live in a free country and thus gladly recognize that others may have opposing viewpoints to our own (Think of those who refuse to recognize "irregardless" as a proper word), but we also must remember that simply because someone disagrees with us - it doesn't make us wrong.

      With all that being said, Jes, one of my oldest and truly dearest of friends, a fantastic cook & the best darn trip planner this side of anywhere, is also the creator of the incredibly wonderful and amazing food and gardening blog Urban Sacred Garden.  

       Jes has taken it upon herself to display the years of research she has painstakingly collected to support her belief that Pineapple is in fact not a citrus fruit-see her post her: Pineapple: A Citrus Fruit?.  I, genuinely applaud her efforts to sway readers to "the other side" of the argument. (I would like to point out that if there wasn't an "other side" than it would not be an argument at all and more of a recital of facts-which certainly wouldn't be any fun.)

           I would like to delve right into the crux of the matter.  Pineapple is a citrus fruit, and here is why.

1.  When you think of oranges, lemons and limes, and then you think of pineapple don't you just smile at the symmetry of the notion that these fruits are all closely related.

2. Don't you find that the juices of oranges and pineapples are so similar its almost scary?  In fact they are very similar in color, body and not unlike in flavor. All are often grouped together à la orange-pineapple juice etc.

3. Like "Known" and "Accepted" citrus fruits (Lime, Lemon, Oranges, etc) Pineapple is an Alkalizing fruit due to the high level of acidity found in it.   One can easily see the connection between "acidic" and "citrus" and their shared Latin root "Acitrius"*.  The first known word for Pineapple was "Piniacitriosa"**

4. The color of Pineapple once cut up is the nearly identical to that of a lemon mixed with a twinge of orange.

5.  Pineapple, lemon, orange, lime-hmm why do all those fruits make great sherbets? Because they are all  related!

6. I could go on and on with fact, but I will spare you... 

        Let us look more in depth into the true issue which is at the core of this debate.  Who is responsible for this miscarriage of justice?  Sadly the answer is all too simple:   The "man".  Yes, the "man".  The very same "man" who is responsible for the worst of all things in Western culture is also responsible for perpetuating a horrible slander against our beloved pineapple.  

        I have scoured old world books from Europe in my attempt to cast a shining if not blinding light of truth onto this matter.  The end results of decades of translating foreign tomes in order to reconstruct the years of lies has led me to one man.

Carolus Linnaeus.  (1707-1778)  Do not be fooled by his Grandmotherly good looks my dear readers.  For under that magnificent wig lay the mind of the mastermind of this entire cobweb of deceit and treachery.   Linnaeus is the Father of the system for dividing up natural elements into Genus and Families etc. and thus a lot of the blame must rest on his shoulders.  Now, I must add that I do not believe that Linnaeus was malicious in setting out to carve out pineapple from its other Citrus brethren, but the idea of stigmatizingly separating pineapple from its close relatives must rest with him.  I will heap most of the remaining blame on countless scores of Anglo-men throughout the ages who have continued this most unfair of accusations that Pineapple is nothing like its other more sphereoidal citrus family members.

           Lets us breakdown the falsities that science has "given" us.  While yes, Pineapple's do not divide like oranges into sections, nor do they have their stereotypical rinds, but what scientists would like you to forget is how pineapples have come to look as they do and what they looked like prehistorically.  

            Eons ago before the ice age and before the volcanic destruction of most of prehistory (ie dinosaurs, unicorns and the like) Pineapples of yore much more closely resembled their citrus cousins.  (See Figure I. below)  They had similar rinds, inside of which were sections of citrus goodness, and all was well with the world.  Unfortunately, a comet hit the earth causing the tectonic plates to shift, volcanoes to form which spewed piping hot magma and ash into the air causing global warming which led to the first ice age.  

"What happened to the pineapple during this time period?" you ask.   Well dear readers, I shall tell you.  

     Due to the pineapple's precarious location (the landmass now known as Hawaii) the pineapple nearly became as extinct as the dinosaur, but due to a genetic miracle they mutated into the uniquely shaped fruit we all now know and love.   
Figure I: Prehistoric pineapple sitting next to its fellow Citrus Kin.

        The magmatic conditions on the island (See figure II. below) forced the fruit to create a thicker rind much different from its other Citrus brethren who were basking in the relatively lava-free mediterranean coast.  Where the internal fruit of the pineapple in prehistoric days formed into well divided sections due to its transformation it now formed into a tight cylinder protecting it from heat and molten lava.  The previous trees on which pineapples once grew were now shorter and squatter so that they could carry the much heavily armored pineapple.  

Figure II: The Evolution of Pineapple due to magmatic conditions in Hawaii.

      Charles Darwin would have been astonished had he realized that his "missing link" was right before him in his dish of fruit cocktail.  All the evidence he ever needed to prove his theory of evolution was right before his eyes.  Sadly he died nearly one hundred years before pineapples biggest champion (myself) was born.  I raise my glass of Pineapple juice to his memory.  

Whew,  this has been quite a journey my friends.  All of my years of study has finally paid off.  To my supporters-you know who you are- I thank you.  To those who doubted me for all these years and who now see the light- I say- have no fear-I embrace you with open arms. This is a movement by the people and for the people.   I ask you this, dear reader, to think with your heart and not the head.  

            Yes, if you look on Wikepedia  they are going to tell you the "man's" answer.  Despite the fact that I am a man, (and a very nice and caring one at that) I am not THE man and this allows me to see past the falsities and recognize the long hidden truth that pineapple is indeed a Citrus fruit.

I would like to divulge that although I have been contacted by the Société genevoise d'utilité publique about the possibility of being awarded the Nobel Prize for Fruit Justice it has in no way swayed or altered my dedication to this movement. If awarded I will accept it on behalf of pineapple and not for myself.

Thank you all for your support and faith throughout all these trying years.



*: This term while well accepted in many circles has yet to be found in any Latin book. All the more reason to believe in the 
conspiracy of the "MAN".

** This term while known to many in this debate has been mysteriously struck from encylopedias, dictionaries and even from school text books from the 1980s.  If only Unsolved Mysteries was still on the air!!!!

Monday, August 1, 2011


‎"Without a doubt, we dinosaurs are the smartest creatures on earth. Our best idea yet was the creation of that cloaking device leading humans into believing that we became "extinct". That being said, our second best idea was to keep it a secret from those bullies the T-Rex's. King of the dinosaurs? Don't make me laugh! Who's fossils now, biatch?!"

Thursday, July 28, 2011


"So, we were all staying over at this human guy's house & he let us do anything we wanted. We burrowed into the walls, ate all the electrical wires.  It was like being at a 24/7 rave!  Then one day a 'professional organizer' showed up with a camera crew & threw us all out, up until then I was having the time of my life. I'm telling you, the next time you want to party find an animal hoarder." 

Monday, July 25, 2011


"I hate the History Channel! Their show MONSTERQUEST has been on for three seasons & not once have they had Unicorns on it.   That stupid Loch Ness Monster has been on there at least four times! They even gave Big Foot his own spinoff!  I recently met with the producer & he seemed really interested in doing a show about us until he found out we couldn't fly.  The next time somebody mistakes me for a g.d. Pegasus I'm going to stick this horn where the sun don't shine!"

Monday, July 18, 2011


"Remember the good ole days when we just swam around all day long?  Ugh, life is simply too fast paced now-a-days. For example, yesterday I had to drop my kids off at the pool, have lunch with a friend, pick up my dry cleaning & then rush over to the salon to get my nails painted before they closed.  If this keeps up I am liable to have a heart attack before I turn 200!  I'd give up this modern life if it weren't for Crystal Light & my DVR."

Thursday, July 7, 2011


"It just peeves me to no end. Simply put, GOOD & PLENTY licorice candies are neither good nor plentiful.  It's one of the worst cases of false advertising I've ever seen. They should change their name to Don't-Eat-ems  or Good-For-Nothin's or Not-Enough-Crap-That-U-Don't-Want-Anyway. I think that last one needs a little work, but you get the idea. The only people I know on this earth who like licorice are Dads.  I chalk it up to the fact that most Fathers have bad taste. I mean, who else wears black socks with shorts? I rest my case."

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


"My therapist says I suffer from breed envy.  I hate to agree with him, but seriously who wouldn't want to be a chiuaua? They have it all! I mean they get to be carried around in purses.  They have those tiny waists & so they can fit into all of the cutest outfits.  Most stores don't even carry my size.  I have been cursed with being a Saint Bernard in this body conscious world we live in! I must have been a real bitch in my past life. Of course, I mean that figuratively."

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


"It was so humiliating.  My former owners filmed me doing that stupid trick & they won $10,000 from America's Funniest Home Videos.  Well, I may forever be know as the 'dog pushing a rock' but I got the last laugh when I sued Bob Sagat for character defamation & won $10 million.  You should have seen that S.O.B Sagat's expression when Judge Wapner of Animal Court told him he should be ashamed of himself."  

Thursday, June 30, 2011


"OK, I admit calling animal control on her may have been a bit of an over reaction, but I guarantee she'll never call me a snob for eating Fancy Feast again."

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


"I recognize how important it is for small children to spent a lot of time with their Mother, that's why I've hired an actress to impersonate me.  Luckily, my kids are too young to distinguish between the two of us & this way I get to go shopping and have fun & they get to feel that they have a Mother who wants to be with them.  It's truly a win-win situation."

Thursday, June 23, 2011


"Internet security has gotten completely out of hand.  For instance, I had to reset my FaceBook password today.  Not only did it have to be 18 digits long but it had to include a capitalized letter, a number, an italicized letter, an ümlaut, a Russian Cyrillic character, & an ancient Minoan symbol.  I had to do all that just so I could deny a friend request from an old classmate from elementary school who I always hated."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


"Despite the economic downturn & the risk of financial ruin I still have to keep up appearances.  So to save some money I've decided to forgo my usual Kopi Luwak coffee and instead I make my own with free monkey poop from the zoo.  The best part is it smells so badly everyone thinks it's the real thing."

Thursday, June 9, 2011


"I complained to the owner. Seriously, what kind business doesn't have Wi-Fi nowadays? OK, so it's a funeral home, so what?  I mean, how am I supposed to express my grief if I can't tweet a frowney face."

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


"Even though I come from old money I've decided to stop turning up my nose at the nouveau riche.  I figure if someone can become wealthy during this economic downturn they deserve at least some of my respect.  That being said, if I see one of them wearing a BUMP-IT all bets are off." 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


"Since my husband & children are so busy I don't get to see them very much. So, I decided to hire a camera crew to follow them around to film their daily lives.  In the last episode my five year old daughter threw her milk at her frienemy's face & flipped her desk over. I can't wait to see what happens next!"

Monday, June 6, 2011


"Last night I woke up drenched in sweat. For the first time in my life I realized that most people will never have the opportunity to live the kind of rich and fabulous life I have led. It really makes me appreciate the unjust capitalistic system that allows just a handful of people to have everything they could ever dream of."

Thursday, June 2, 2011


"I invited all the other housewives that are on the reality show with me for dinner the other night.  They all had a good time, enjoyed the food & each other's company. Nobody threw their drinks at anyone, cursed, or flipped the table over.  Honestly, what do you think I did wrong?"

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


"I mean, just look at her.  She looks like an alien. Her lips are the size of pork tenderloins & her face has been lifted so many times her skin looks like saran wrap.  She's in the gossip columns every single day & everywhere I go people are talking about her. What unethical plastic surgeon allowed her to end up looking like that?  I've got to get their number so I can look just like her."

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


"After having a $100,000 facelift to look younger I refuse to look my age by wearing reading glasses. I've decided to give up reading entirely & instead I hired a personal reader. She my maid's niece and is from Guatemala. I don't understand half of what she says, but she has the most adorable accent."

Thursday, May 26, 2011


"She showed up to spin class wearing sweatpants, her hair in a messy ponytail & without ANY makeup on.  Can you imagine? It's almost as if she didn't care what people thought about her.  Since she is my best friend I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt & assume she was either sleepwalking or that she had just been mauled by a wild animal."

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


"I'm beginning to think my daughter is self centered.  She didn't get me anything for Mother's day.
I overlooked it last year, but this year there is no excuse.  I mean, she's nearly three years old & her allowance is VERY generous.  At the very least she could have asked one of her nannies to pick me up a little something."

Monday, May 23, 2011


"You know, with the economy as bad as it is money sure doesn't stretch as far as it used to. 
At this rate I'm going to have to get a second alimony just to maintain my standard of living."

Thursday, May 19, 2011


 "I heard the world is supposed to end this weekend.  I wonder what one wears to the rapture.
Do you suppose Christian Dior would be too literal?"

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


"Whoever said 'Less is more' obviously wasn't rich. I mean, I am extremely
wealthy & I can assure you my more is definitely more." 

Monday, May 16, 2011


"Some friends! They complained throughout the entire movie about the price of the tickets and the popcorn. I mean, yes it is MY home theatre, but I have costs too. They are lucky my ushers are non-union & undocumented illegals, otherwise who knows what I'd have to charge."  

Sunday, May 15, 2011


"I'm scared to death of getting old! That's why I'm going to be cryogenically frozen 
before my 24th birthday.  I'm so excited because they are going to freeze-dry my purses, shoes & all six of my chihuahuas.  I'm guessing it's like a really big Zip-Lock bag." 

Friday, May 13, 2011


"My goldfish recently had a terrible case of vertigo. 
Luckily, my chihuahua's Acupuncturist recommended a wonderful 
Aquatic Ear Nose & Throat specialist who cleared it right up!"

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


"My husband insists we take that gas guzzler everywhere we go.
Don't you think taking a Learjet across town is a bit wasteful?
Personally, I believe we all have to do our part for the environment.
That's why I always have my driver use the stretch Hummer limo."  

Monday, May 9, 2011


"To be honest, I only read The New Yorker for the cartoons.  
I hate to admit it, but witty cats always crack me up."

Saturday, May 7, 2011


"I just got back from the Kentucky Derby.  Surprisingly, not only do the women wear shoes
there but some of their shoes were totally adorable.  Apparently, someone named 'Pei Lezz' designs
most of their shoes.  I looked all over the net but he has absolutely no web presence.
Do you suppose they even have the internet in the South?"

Monday, May 2, 2011


"Oh, and don't even get me started on Garfield.
Anyone who revels in furthering negative stereotypes about his own people is nothing but a self-hater ."

Sunday, May 1, 2011


"So, it wasn't until one of my kids texted me 'Merry Xmas' that I realized I hadn't seen any of my kids in three months.  My personal assistant had forgotten to pencil in family time.  I hated to let her go because she was such a great assistant, but what kind of Mother would I be if I didn't fire her after that?"

Saturday, April 30, 2011


"OMG! I feel like such a pig!  I already had two grapes before I came and I just now scarfed down four saltines. Well, I guess it's back to the Slim-Fast, Fen-Phen, Dexatrim diet tomorrow.  
ARGH! Why do saltines have to taste so good?!"

Thursday, April 28, 2011


"This old thing? Actually, it's the Hope diamond.
I thought it looked a tad bit pretentious, so I tried to lighten it up by supergluing it to this candy necklace."

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


"Trust me, this is the time to buy! With all the budget cuts, 
Government agencies are having some terrific sales. My husband and I just snatched up the International Space Station at NASA's big blowout sale. It came with a 2000 million mile powertrain warranty."

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


"A newborn is such hard work! Our nanny earns every penny we pay her. 
Fortunately, I do mean pennies. If she wasn't an illegal there is no way we could afford her, the wet nurse and the two au pairs.  I don't know how the average American family affords baby staff."

Monday, April 25, 2011


"Life is so unfair! You dedicate years to mutual goals, respect and 
communication to someone and then one day they up and leave you.  
Do you know how hard it is to find a good au pair in this city?  
 It's almost frustrating enough to make you want to raise your own children."

Thursday, April 21, 2011


"She actually snubbed me during the charity event last night. So, I threw my drink in her face, 
cursed her out and flipped a table over on her.  Some people have no manners!"

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


"Now that I'm about to have a daughter I realize how important 
the Mother-Daughter bond is. I just hope that she can find it with at least one of her nannies."

Monday, April 18, 2011


"I hate being ostentatious during this economic downturn. So, I've decided to go with 
uncut diamonds instead of the cut ones for the goodie bags at my daughter's third birthday party." 


"Between you and me, I am not here to make friends.  I'm trying to build up some street cred with my fellow rich peeps in hopes that they will buy some of my ridiculously overpriced merch. I'm not sure what I just said but my gay hairdresser insists I have to do all of that before I can get on a BRAVO reality show."

Sunday, April 17, 2011


"I don't enjoy reading.  I prefer hobbies that either keep me thin or drunk."

Saturday, April 16, 2011


"I totally forgot and left Gigi in my purse the other day. 
Poor thing would have starved to death if one of the maids hadn't been in that wing 
of the house today and heard him barking.  It's too bad his coloring doesn't go with more of my purses or I would have remembered to transfer him over." 

Friday, April 15, 2011


"I never said I was better than her because 
I'm on a reality show and she isn't. I said I was better than her because 
I gave more at the charity auction than she did."

Monday, April 11, 2011


"I would love to have you all over for cocktails later, but Lili is still 
recovering from her tummy tuck.  She is doing great though.  Do any of your cats
need a little work? If so just let me know.  Our vet is the absolute best!"

Sunday, April 10, 2011


"Trust me when I tell you my husband and I have felt the effects of the economic downturn. 
For instance, that island we bought last year is now worth a third of what we paid for it."

Top Ten reasons why TWIN PEAKS is still relevant today...

and why YOU should watch it

"She's dead, wrapped in plastic." 

         Those now famous words were uttered by actor Jack Nance over twenty five years ago when his character discovered the dead homecoming queen Laura Palmer washed ashore by his house.

Twin Peaks became a hit phenomenon for a brief period of time in the early 1990's before the Gulf War, ABC television and side projects by the show's creators ultimately destroyed it.

Here are some of the reasons why Twin Peaks is still relevant to today's pop culture and why you should see it. (Or why you should re-watch it.)

1.  It's simply incredible.  (Especially, Season 1)

2. HMM Well I was going to tell you that CBS.COM has all the episodes online to watch for FREE-but apparently (as of very recently) it has taken them off their site.  I'll try to figure out if this is permanent or not and let you know. You can rent them; Netflix them or buy episodes online them from iTunes or buy the VHS/DVDs on Ebay or Amazon.

3.  The first episode will knock your socks off (So if you are watching it with friends make sure your feet are clean and pedicured.)

4. It is one of Televisions most enduring shows.  The central mystery of "Who Killed Laura Palmer" is so enthralling you will find yourself watching it at 4am as you curse yourself for not having gone to bed at a more reasonable hour.

5. It's weird. Really weird, but in an oddly fun way. There is a lady who carries around a log and talks to it.  Her name is THE LOG LADY. (Enough said)

6. The weirdly interesting David Lynch (Blue Velvet; Mulholland drive; Wild at Heart; Erasterhead) and television veteran Mark Frost (Hill Street Blues) co-created this pioneering and uniquely original show.

7. Many of the most original TV series of the last twenty years owe a huge amount of gratitude to Twin Peaks for breaking the typical television mold. Scores of shows credit Twin Peaks as inspirational and influential.  Without Twin Peaks one has to wonder if there would have been; Northern Exposure; X-Files; Six Feet Under; and basically all of HBOs current series.

8. A cast of thousands of great actors and actresses.  Well, maybe not thousands, but tons of faces you now idolize;
  • Kyle Maclachlan (Blue Velvet; Dune;Sex in the City)
  • Lara Flynn Boyle (Wayne's World; The Practice; Ally McBeal)  
  • Miguel  Ferrer (RoboCopTraffic; Mulan)
  • Peggy Lipton (Mod Squad)
  • The unbelievable amazing Piper Laurie (Carrie; Children of a Lesser God)
  • Joan Chen (The Last Emperor; Lust~Caution; Mao's Last Dancer)
  • Richard Beymer (West Side Story)
  • The late Jack Nance (Blue Velvet; DUNE); David Duchovny (X-Files; Californication)
  • Heather Graham (Boogie Nights; The Hangover; Swingers)
  • and the incredibly fabulous Grace Zabriskie (Seinfeld, True Blood)
  • (Just to name a few)

9.  Soundtrack kicks butt.  The soundtrack of Twin Peaks was written  by the musical genius Angelo Badalamenti.  The etherial, haunting music overlaid Lynch's stunning imagery pushed viewers to thrilling and frightening extremes.  The use of this soundtrack-which was created with close collaboration with Lynch helped to set the mood for the entire series. This is one of Lynch's legacies; Making television shows as if they were short movies, without this soundtrack the show would not have been the success it was.

I recommend the soundtracks for Season 1 and the Major Motion Picture especially. Season 2 is great but a little less substantive than the others.

The soundtrack for Season 1 & 2 the Soundtrack to the Twin Peaks Major Motion Picture: Fire Walk With Me are available on i-Tunes   

10.  It is the best soap opera ever (If you would argue that Santa Barbara was the best soap opera I would disagree, but I would not hate you).  Twin Peaks, is by definition somewhat of a  soap opera, a fact acknowledge by its creators. I personally consider it a television drama mixed with a little tele-novella.   While Twin Peaks surpasses the typical trappings of a soap opera, it has all of the outrageous fun soap opera fare: cliff hangers, mysteries, affairs, drug deals, murders, backstabbing, illegitimate children, black mail; and a whorehouse that conveniently doubles as a casino.

Viewing Suggestions: 

  • If this is your first time watching Twin Peaks: DO NOT tell anyone you are watching it. People have a really bad habit of telling you the surprise twists in the show.  DO NOT google Twin Peaks or risk accidentally discovering the secrets yourself.
  • While you can watch it on Netflix, I recommend getting/renting the DVD GOLD BOX Set which has behind the scenes features and a great picture quality.  You can also get even better picture quality with downloading the episodes from iTunes which are in High Def. Plus this summer (2014) it comes out on Blu-Ray. 
  • Watch Season 1. Watch Season 2 until the resolution to the central mystery of the show (Who killed Laura Palmer?) After that beware.  Season 2 goes downhill for several episodes before picking back up before the end of the season.  Lynch and Frost both had other projects at this point and they left the show in different and less capable hands.  Only the last four or five episodes are particularly good.
  • AVOID THE MOVIE AT ALL COSTS.  This is a prequel and therefore gives away much if not all of the mysteries of the show. Also its very very scary. BUT make sure you get a copy of the movie soundtrack which is a must have.