Social~Lites

"The FCC is being relentless in their new campaign for truth in advertising.  It's crazy! The reality show I'm on, is being forced to change it's name to "The Mostly Real Housewives of 90210". 

I am so offended.  I mean, yes, my breast implants are artificial, but there's nothing fake about the butt fat I injected into my lips!"

Social~Lites

          "So, the producer of the reality show I'm on asked if I'd go to a third-world country for a month with five of my worst frenemies.  How could I resist?"

Social~Lites

‎"Without a doubt, we dinosaurs are the smartest creatures on earth. Our best idea yet was the creation of that cloaking device leading humans into believing that we became "extinct". That being said, our second best idea was to keep it a secret from those bullies the T-Rex's. King of the dinosaurs? Don't make me laugh! Who's fossils now, biatch?!"

Social~Lites

"So, we were all staying over at this human guy's house & he let us do anything we wanted. We burrowed into the walls, ate all the electrical wires.  It was like being at a 24/7 rave!  Then one day a 'professional organizer' showed up with a camera crew & threw us all out, up until then I was having the time of my life. I'm telling you, the next time you want to party find an animal hoarder." 

Social~Lites

"I hate the History Channel! Their show MONSTERQUEST has been on for three seasons & not once have they had Unicorns on it.   That stupid Loch Ness Monster has been on there at least four times! They even gave Big Foot his own spinoff!  I recently met with the producer & he seemed really interested in doing a show about us until he found out we couldn't fly.  The next time somebody mistakes me for a g.d. Pegasus I'm going to stick this horn where the sun don't shine!"

Social~Lites

"Remember the good ole days when we just swam around all day long?  Ugh, life is simply too fast paced now-a-days. For example, yesterday I had to drop my kids off at the pool, have lunch with a friend, pick up my dry cleaning & then rush over to the salon to get my nails painted before they closed.  If this keeps up I am liable to have a heart attack before I turn 200!  I'd give up this modern life if it weren't for Crystal Light & my DVR."

Social~Lites

"It just peeves me to no end. Simply put, GOOD & PLENTY licorice candies are neither good nor plentiful.  It's one of the worst cases of false advertising I've ever seen. They should change their name to Don't-Eat-ems  or Good-For-Nothin's or Not-Enough-Crap-That-U-Don't-Want-Anyway. I think that last one needs a little work, but you get the idea. The only people I know on this earth who like licorice are Dads.  I chalk it up to the fact that most Fathers have bad taste. I mean, who else wears black socks with shorts? I rest my case."

Social~Lites

"My therapist says I suffer from breed envy.  I hate to agree with him, but seriously who wouldn't want to be a chiuaua? They have it all! I mean they get to be carried around in purses.  They have those tiny waists & so they can fit into all of the cutest outfits.  Most stores don't even carry my size.  I have been cursed with being a Saint Bernard in this body conscious world we live in! I must have been a real bitch in my past life. Of course, I mean that figuratively."

Social~Lites

"It was so humiliating.  My former owners filmed me doing that stupid trick & they won $10,000 from America's Funniest Home Videos.  Well, I may forever be know as the 'dog pushing a rock' but I got the last laugh when I sued Bob Sagat for character defamation & won $10 million.  You should have seen that S.O.B Sagat's expression when Judge Wapner of Animal Court told him he should be ashamed of himself."  

Social~Lites

"OK, I admit calling animal control on her may have been a bit of an over reaction, but I guarantee she'll never call me a snob for eating Fancy Feast again."

Social~Lites

"I recognize how important it is for small children to spent a lot of time with their Mother, that's why I've hired an actress to impersonate me.  Luckily, my kids are too young to distinguish between the two of us & this way I get to go shopping and have fun & they get to feel that they have a Mother who wants to be with them.  It's truly a win-win situation."

Social~Lites

"Internet security has gotten completely out of hand.  For instance, I had to reset my FaceBook password today.  Not only did it have to be 18 digits long but it had to include a capitalized letter, a number, an italicized letter, an ümlaut, a Russian Cyrillic character, & an ancient Minoan symbol.  I had to do all that just so I could deny a friend request from an old classmate from elementary school who I always hated."

Social~Lites

"Despite the economic downturn & the risk of financial ruin I still have to keep up appearances.  So to save some money I've decided to forgo my usual Kopi Luwak coffee and instead I make my own with free monkey poop from the zoo.  The best part is it smells so badly everyone thinks it's the real thing."

Social~Lites

"I complained to the owner. Seriously, what kind business doesn't have Wi-Fi nowadays? OK, so it's a funeral home, so what?  I mean, how am I supposed to express my grief if I can't tweet a frowney face."

Social~Lites

"Even though I come from old money I've decided to stop turning up my nose at the nouveau riche.  I figure if someone can become wealthy during this economic downturn they deserve at least some of my respect.  That being said, if I see one of them wearing a BUMP-IT all bets are off." 

Social~Lites

"Since my husband & children are so busy I don't get to see them very much. So, I decided to hire a camera crew to follow them around to film their daily lives.  In the last episode my five year old daughter threw her milk at her frienemy's face & flipped her desk over. I can't wait to see what happens next!"

Social~Lites

"Last night I woke up drenched in sweat. For the first time in my life I realized that most people will never have the opportunity to live the kind of rich and fabulous life I have led. It really makes me appreciate the unjust capitalistic system that allows just a handful of people to have everything they could ever dream of."

Social~Lites

"I invited all the other housewives that are on the reality show with me for dinner the other night.  They all had a good time, enjoyed the food & each other's company. Nobody threw their drinks at anyone, cursed, or flipped the table over.  Honestly, what do you think I did wrong?"

Social~Lites

"I mean, just look at her.  She looks like an alien. Her lips are the size of pork tenderloins & her face has been lifted so many times her skin looks like saran wrap.  She's in the gossip columns every single day & everywhere I go people are talking about her. What unethical plastic surgeon allowed her to end up looking like that?  I've got to get their number so I can look just like her."

Social~Lites

"After having a $100,000 facelift to look younger I refuse to look my age by wearing reading glasses. I've decided to give up reading entirely & instead I hired a personal reader. She my maid's niece and is from Guatemala. I don't understand half of what she says, but she has the most adorable accent."