Watercolor for my dear friend L.S.  Good luck "3,3!"

 I'll miss you at work but I wont miss you since Im going to see you all the time & 

besides you're my next door neighbor!

Dear Neighbors: YOU SUCK

Dear Neighbors (aka The man and woman living above me),

You suck.

Let me clarify.  I am sure that you don't suck as human beings or at least your SOUL doesn't suck. That being said, you definitely suck as neighbors.  There is no doubt about that fact. I checked with the creator(s) of the known Universe and he/she/it/they agreed 100% that you do indeed suck as neighbors. (He/She/It/They also randomly commented on how much they liked my style. You really didn't need to know that but I thought it might lighten the tone of this letter.)

I am beginning to think that somehow I missed the fact that the two of you are actually centaurs. That would explain why you clomp and clomp and well...clomp constantly. Being half horse explains why you make such a loud sound while walking but it doesn't explain why you feel compelled to clomp at 4am in the morning and that is the least of the reasons why you suck.

Here is an illustration of what occurred at 4am in our respective apartments Tuesday morning:

[Figure I: Upstairs:You two all drunk noisy & clomping. Downstairs: Me trying to sleep at 4a.m. For the record I time stamped this event by calling the scientists at the World Clock in Greenwich, England. They were really nice and very smart folks.After explaining why I was calling them they told me to tell you two to "shut it" and "knock it off!" You may want to consider their advice. I mean, they are WORLD scientists after all which ought to count for something.]

BTW: I have diagnosed both of you with ADHD.  Fortunately for you both there are psychiatric medications which can help such as Ritalin, Concerta, Adderrall or if you have substance abuse problems you might consider the non-habit forming Straterra.

Oh, and that brings me to your other diagnosis: Alcohol abuse. (Technically I haven't known you two for very long so I can't honestly say whether you may also have Alcohol dependence but that is looking pretty likely as well.)


FYI (For your Information):

You are not the only two humans (or creatures, if indeed you are centaurs) to inhabit this earth and more specifically (and more to the point) this apartment building.

I know this will be surprising but when you drink a whole lot of alcohol you will get drunk (this is true for either humans or centaurs-I checked with Google).  More specifically when you two get drunk you stumble around and fight with each other. Thus bringing me to yet another truth:

You not only suck as neighbors but you also suck as a couple.  In case you doubt me I have supporting proof.  Fighting at 3am in the morning 6 out of 7 days a week by definition means you are failures in your relationship, I know this because I checked with all of the collected knowledge from the beginning of mankind/centaur time.

I  know from observation that you two love constant arguing and storming out of rooms.  While yelling and storming out of rooms is more than appropriate in both bars and soap operas (especially Dallas or Dynasty) they are not appropriate for residences marked by shared common walls, floors and ceilings.

May I also point out that your apartment is not that big, so storming out of one room and into another is not particularly dramatic. You know what might actually very dramatic? Maybe you could storm out of your apartment and never come back! Now that would be SOOO dramatic. Why don't you try that? Both of you.

I would suggest you break up but no other two human beings and/or centaurs would want either of you and you should stay together because I doubt either of your could actually survive on your own.

This brings me to what I thought would have been an obvious statement of physics which has apparently gotten by you both. Since you live on the second floor of our shared apartment building your floors are my ceilings. Therefore your clomping is also my clomping (if you get my meaning which I suspect you don't.)

May I be so bold to make the following recommendations:

Move to Another residence. One that has no shared space.  May I strongly encourage you to consider the Country.  If you cannot afford a house or trailer perhaps a tent would suffice,   I have heard loud noises keep predators away, so neither of you should have any problems.

I see that you attended a State University (and that it was NOT the University of Louisville). Perhaps this education was not sufficient (Believe me when I say that it wasn't). Maybe you could both enroll at the University of Louisville in all of the following classes:

Common Sense: 101
Common Decency: 101
The Worth of Others: 101
Narcissism: 101 Admitting it is the first step
Narcissism: 201 You are not cured yet so retake 101 and Then Come Back
Home Ec. for Centaurs: 101 (this one is not mandatory but knowing you two it couldn't hurt)

    So I thank you selfish-rude-neighbors for reading this blog post and taking all of this under consideration.  I know that it may be a wake up call to know that others can be negatively affected by your actions but I thought it my duty since each of your respective parents/foster parents/orphanage staff/wolves (or whomever happened to partially raised you) as well as society as a whole has somehow failed to instill this into your twenty something brains.

See you soon or should I say "Hear you soon!"

Later,
Tim

Blue Mermaid

                     Blue Mermaid. By Tim W.

10 Reasons why you would have fake bullet-hole decals on your car.

      So, I was walking down the street today and saw a car with two fake bullet hole decals on it.  It made me wonder: "Why would anyone have two bullet hole decals on their car?"

      I suspect that you and many others like yourself have often wondered the very same thing and now thanks to this happy twist of fate I'm going to share the distilled results of my hours of personal research into the matter.

I have calculated that there are a total of 10 possible reasons why you would have bullet hole decals on your car:

(Quick aside. ((I just love asides!! Wait, this is an aside to my original aside! Sorry about that. I tend to get carried away with asides. They're just so much fun!)) Now back to the aside: By "YOU" I mean the formal "ONE" as in "Why would ONE put fake bullet-hole decals on one's car? But since this is the Internet and the most Post Modern of all communication forums I thought it best to be hip and cool and use the more common "You" My apologies to language purists.)

1. You live the "thug life."

2. You want people to think you live the "thug life."

3. You used to live the "thug life" and you want to remind yourself what could happen if you returned to said "thug life."

4.  You know that someone has put a hit out on you and you want them to believe that the drive-by has already been performed.

     There are two addendum to # 4:

• If you want people to believe that a drive-by has been performed please remember to use more than two bullet hole decals on your car, otherwise they will think the drive-by was unsuccessful and possibly drive-by yet again.
• For the record shouldn't the spelling of "drive-by" actually be "drive-bye". 
• By definition a drive-by is when a vehicle (car/bus/van/motorcycle/motor-scooter/bicycle/unicycle/tricycle/one of those military motorcycles with those cute little side-cars/etc) drives-by and someone from within the moving vehicle shoots a gun at someone outside of their vehicle who is either on the sidewalk, in another car or in one's own yard or a friend's yard, or a stranger's front, back, or I suppose even side yard. 
• The perpetrator drives-by and shoots you (hence the term drive-by).  Yet the entire point of the drive-by  is to end your life and thereby creating the ultimate "bye" as in "good-bye." Thus making more sense to say "drive-BYE."
• From now on in my mind when I hear someone else say "drive-by" I will spell it out in my head as "drive-bye."  I encourage you to do the same. 
• I am in the process of drawing up papers with my lawyer to copyright this new spelling but never fear! I would never charge anyone for the use of the "e," especially since it should have been there to begin with.  It's my public duty to correct a grammatical error (is spelling a grammatical error? Let's say it is. Shall we?) much like it's my duty to tell everyone that Huey Lewis is very much ALIVE. (Hopefully that statement will put his lawyers and the entire matter at rest.) I had inadvertently/accidentally been telling people for YEARS that I didn't have the heart to watch the movie DUETS starring Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow since it was the last movie Huey made before his untimely death. I really am sorry, Huey!! How many times can I say it?! I swear I heard you had died from Entertainment Tonight or Hard Copy or maybe it was one of those "Farewell" issues of People Magazine. Why would I make it up? Why?!

5. You want your friends, enemies, frienemies and/or strangers to say one/all of the following:

• "Wow, Bob (or whatever your name is) is living on the edge! Did you see those bullet holes on his/her car?"
• "Bob (or whatever your name is) is so ironic! Did you see those fake bullet hole decals on his/her car? What a cool hipster he/she is."
• "Man, Bob (or whatever you name is) is so rad.  I've got to get him/her to tell me where he/she got those wicked-awesome fake bullet decals that he/she put on his/her car. I'm so totally jealous!"

6.   You went to the Carl Casper's Auto Show and saw that Knight Rider's Kitt was sporting some way cool fake bullet decals and you just had to have some too.

7.   Some punk-kids put them on your car.

8.   You have them on your car because fake bullet hole decals get you the Ladies (and/or Men).

9.   They were on your car when you bought it and you have been too lazy to take them off.

10. Simply put: You are too cool for school.

And those Ladies and Gentlemen are the only 10 reasons why you would have fake bullet hole decals on your car.  Any other possibilities will fall neatly within these 10. The End.

Is Kentucky a Southern or Midwestern State?

      Before I answer this question let me give you my credentials (proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I know what I am talking/writing about):

• I was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky. As were my parents and grandparents. The rumors that some of my great grandparents were Hoosiers are just that...rumors).

• I have travelled throughout the South and Midwest enough to be able to distinguish between the two.

• I am smart. 

This should be ample proof that I do indeed know what I am talking about.

       All that being said, 

Kentucky is a Southern State. 

"But of course" you are saying to yourself. Well, you are smart too but there is a small contingency of persons who ardently & misinformed-edly believe that Kentucky is actually part of the midwest. 

For those few I will lay out the most comprehensive and persuasive argument that will ever and need ever be (how is that for some fancy word play?) made.

20 Reasons Why Kentucky is a Southern State:

1. Magnolia trees. Nothing says THE SOUTH like Magnolia trees.  Those evergreen trees with their broad, sturdy and shiny green leaves and their beautiful, fragrant and massive flower blossoms have been a traditional symbol of the South for eons. Kentucky just happens to be the furthest Northern edge where Magnolia trees grow. In fact my parents have a huge Magnolia tree in their front yard. (So there.)

2. Azalea bushes. Yet another traditional Southern plant that is found growing in Kentucky yards.

3. Johnny Depp is from Kentucky. (That has no bearing on this discussion but I thought you'd like to know that). (P.S. George Clooney also from Kentucky. Muhammad Ali... You guessed it, Kentucky.)

4. Unlike all other parts of the Country, people in the South say the following:

• A type of faucet where you can get water is called a Spicket. In the rest of the Country it is called and spelled Spigot (Tell me that's not weird sounding!)
• The nonabbreviated form of the word TARP is called and spelled Tarpuleon (like NapoLEON) in the South whereas elsewhere it is pronounced and spelled Tarpaulin (TARPAULIN? Give me a break!)
• We use the word TUMP. A combination of Tip and dumped. e.g. "I tumped over my red wine and it stained the carpet." According to Urban Dictionary this originated in ALABAMA-nothing more Southern than ALABAMA. (btw The State Motto of Alabama is: STARS FELL ON ALABAMA. Yes, that really is their motto. I think stars fell on Alabama and left large craters which somehow explains the State's multitude of problems-No offense intended Alambanians, Alabamamanians? Alabamers? Whoever you are, I'm sorry. Well I'm kinda sorry. Okay maybe not so much.Okay no really I am sorry, I am a social worker after all.)
• Many Kentuckians say "Warsh", "Warshington D.C." and "Warsh" your clothes as oppsed to Wash or Washington which is just darned cute. Wait, I say that myself. Does that make me cute too? Yes, it does.
• Many Kentuckians say Tarlet or Torlet as opposed to Toilet. That's not as cute as "Warsh".

5.  We have the Kentucky Derby here in... well, Kentucky. Nothing says the South like The Kentucky Derby.  We also have Derby pie here which has BOURBON in it. Nothing says the South like Bourbon (see # 11)

6. Kentucky Fried Chicken was created and is still based from here. Colonel Harland Sanders who wore white suits and string bow ties created the Famous restaurant chain (Let us not quibble about where he was born (Hoosierville) he lived, created his Famous 11 Herbs and Spices recipe, died and is buried here in Kentucky. No one was more of a Southerner than the Colonel. He was most certainly not a Mid-Westener.

7. We have free soda refills in our restaurants. Trust me this is one of the biggest proofs in the entire article. I dare you to take a road trip through the Midwest and go to any diner or roadside restaurant and you will have to pay for your precious second or third diet Coke. Then travel down to the South and enjoy as many refills as you'd like. (Kentucky has free refills. The South has free refills. Need I say more? No. But I will.)

8. Annie Potts who starred in "Designing Women" about four Southern Belle interior decorators is from Kentucky.The Late Tennessee native Dixie Carter attended the Kentucky Derby annually even singing "My Old Kentucky Home" (see #9) at the Derby. I just loved her!

9. BTW: Have you ever heard "My Old Kentucky Home"? There is not a more Southern Song ever written.

10. We say "Y'all" and not in an ironic way.

11. The Judd's (that's right, Naomi, Wynonna, Ashley) are from Kentucky.

12. We have cute accents-perhaps not with such a heavy drawl but decidedly not the typical no-accent midwest.

13. Bourbon, the drink of the South is from Kentucky (Nelson County to be exact).

14. When teen.com mentioned that Hunger Games Actor Josh Hutcherson was from Union City, KY. they referred to him as a "Southern boy". (I know that is totally random but it came up on a Google search of Stars from Kentucky and without this fact I would only have 19 reasons why Kentucky is a Southern State and 20 has a much better ring to it. Don't you agree? Yes, of course you do. Thanks for that!)

15. We still have a paddle boat named the Belle of Louisville.

16. If we drink tea it's going to be sweet (or at least if we order it un-sweet we use artificial sweeteners aka cancerous chemicals to make it sweet in order for us to save enough calorie points for dessert which will most likely be pie or cobbler-HOW SOUTHERN IS THAT?!)

17. Apple Fritters. We have them. We love them. That makes us Southern.

18. We still have counties that are dry (It's illegal to sell Alcohol in these counties. Odd since we make Bourbon in Kentucky but since we are in the Southern Bible belt what would you expect?)

19. Would you tell the Coal Miner's daughter (Loretta Lynn) that she was born in the MidWest? I would certainly hope you wouldn't! That would be very rude as well as incorrect.

20. Last and certainly not least: People are friendly here!!! It is not that Midwesterners are not nice people, but they are not particularly friendly. If you pass someone of the street of any MidWest town and you'd be lucky to get a nod, a wave or a "How are you doing?". Here in Kentucky people ask how you are doing or at the very least give you a head not and a "Alright now".  

There you have it folks Kentucky is part of the South. Now one could argue that we aren't as Southern as say: Georgia, Mississippi, or Arkansas but we are Southern. We do have flavors of the Midwest for certain and every once in a while a Yankee turn of phrase or inclination can be found in Louisville which is practically unlike any other part of Kentucky but in the end Southern or not (and we are, Southern just for the record) we are one fantastic and amazing State. (Heck, the Happy Birthday song was written by two sisters right here in Louisville, Kentucky. What more proof do you need?
The answer is: Nothing.

  Kentucky State Fair:   Fried Animals on Sticks

Actual Food lessons from the 2013         Kentucky State Fair

     Recently one of my dear cousins (who is beloved and will thus remain nameless) came back from her visit to the Kentucky State Fair.  As we all know the two questions anyone gets after having been to the Fair are:

1. "What fried foods did you eat?"

2. "Did you see Freddy the Farmer?"

Oddly her response to both questions puzzled me. She not only failed to see Freddy but didn't eat a single fried food!!!

I asked exactly what she DID do at the Fair and she responded she saw Donkeys (or Mules or some other horse-like creature).  I am sorry (Wait... am I?..really?)  but in my book my cousin did not go to the State Fair but apparently went to a petting zoo. To be fair (pun intended) everyone should have the right to attend the Fair without having to indulge in unhealthy fried foods- as Americans don't we have yet another surpassing obligation to corn and its byproducts (corn syrup and even more importantly high fructose corn syrup)? I will let my fellow Americans answer that questions for themselves.
 
Well my friends (and those people don't know me who are reading this.  Trust me if you knew me personally you would want to be my friend too) it is that time of year (or, rather it was that time ago last week when the KY State Fair was actually happening. It is over now, so don't go.)  The time of year when all of Kentuckians and Hoosiers aka those from Indiana (FYI there is nothing happening in Indiana, ever.) join together in Louisville to look at live animals, eat deceased animals, ride rides and point a jealous finger at interesting hair styles.

   This year for the first week of the Fair, fairgoers enjoyed unseasonable cooler temperatures. Of course when I went which just happened to be the last day of the fair, it was 150 degrees, but have no fears I risked my life so I could come back and give you the following reviews of the cornucopia of Fair Foods.

Actual Food lessons from the 2013         Kentucky State Fair:

1. Fried Girl Scout Cookies should be illegal. 

           I am serious about this. I have a petition circulating the city. (I believe Lurlene from accounting at Moby Dick's had it last).

           Imagine if you would: A Tagalong-The perfect combination of Peanut Butter, Cookie and Chocolate  battered in sugary dough and deep fried and then doused with powered sugar. DOUSED MY FRIENDS. DOUSED!!! Or perhaps you'd prefer a Samoa with their unique collection of coconut like flakes with caramel and chocolate? Well, it is the same awesome process of adding more sugar, frying it up and them more sugar.

            The centers of these dough-balls will make your mouth water (as well as your eyes when you realize that you just put something into your mouth that had just been deep fried in a bagillion degree cooking oil). You walk away satisfied and with a third degree burned esophagus.  Bottom line: it's totally worth it.

2. Corn Dogs are delicious. 

           As I just said: "Corn dogs are delicious." Nothing else need be said.

Below is an artist rendering of me eating a corn dog. Unfortunately no photographic evidence exists of this occurrence.  My youngest brother said he would be disappointed in me as a human being if I went to the fair and failed to eat a corn dog.  The illustration is pretty close to reality, except I wasn't wearing my Goonies T-shirt and I was much more muscular and handsome than seen below.

3. A Sloppy Joes on a Krispy Kreme Doughnut is not as interesting or as gross as it sounds.

        To sum it up: I like a Sloppy Joe (preferrable a Manwich) as much if not more so than your average Joe and no one, and I mean no one, loves Krispy Kreme Doughnuts more than I do. That being said this wasn't that fantastic but it was edible which by definition is... well the definition of all food. Enough said.

4. Sweet tea is sweeter at the State Fair.

         Being in the South (For you Midwesterners Kentucky is officially the gateway to the South) there are three constant loves in your life: Your Momma; Your Dog (At least according to every country song) & last but not least Sweet tea.  I am no exception to this rule. I have sweet tea for lunch every weekday.

         That being said when my friend Jes ordered me a sweet tea from a concession stand they gave her a cup of ice and pointed her to the tea stand.  She found that the spicket (or spigot if you must) was so clogged with sugar the attendant had to stir the vat of tea in order to get actual tea to come out as opposed to just the "SWEET" part of of the duo.  Although I would have been just happy drinking SWEET, I must say the actual tea was pretty darn tasty too.

6. Yes I typed 6 instead of 5. This next item is so good it takes up two slots.......  Wait for it... Fried Derby Pie.   No, really, I said: "Fried DERBY PIE"

         Yes. I just typed: Fried Derby Pie. Have you died and gone to heaven? Only you and the Good Lord above know the answer to that but this dessert item is Nirvana (or Shangri-La if you prefer and I do) on earth. Its DERBY PIE. It is BATTERED IN A SUGARY FLOUR SUBSTANCE. IT IS DEEP FRIED. You might as well deep fry your brain because he outcome would be the same: (Sugar induced) coma.  Unlike most comas though you will be ever-so grateful that you are in a trance like state due to the unbelievable food you just consumed.


With that I can say nothing more about the food at the Fair. There is only one Postscript I should add:  I did NOT see the Cherry flavored pickles everyone was talking about. I am beginning to suspect that this may have been just another Fair rumor (such as Kentucky native Annie Potts was going to perform at freedom hall as Janine Melnitz from Ghostbusters. Lies all lies) 

Social~Lites

"The FCC is being relentless in their new campaign for truth in advertising.  It's crazy! The reality show I'm on, is being forced to change it's name to "The Mostly Real Housewives of 90210". 

I am so offended.  I mean, yes, my breast implants are artificial, but there's nothing fake about the butt fat I injected into my lips!"

Social~Lites

          "So, the producer of the reality show I'm on asked if I'd go to a third-world country for a month with five of my worst frenemies.  How could I resist?"

Rebuttal: Pineapple is a Citrus fruit

       

Figure I: Prehistoric pineapple sitting next to its fellow Citrus Kin.  Please see below for a detailed explanation of this highly accurate (and awfully cute) diagram.

 My Beloved friend Jes and I enjoy elaborate discussions about a variety of topics.   Over the years some of these discussions have become debates.  


       Agreeably, we have argued about many things,  "What is the Spanish variation of Reba Mcentire's name?" (which as it turns out is Arriba) & "What is the French-Canadienne form of Celine Dion's name?" (which happens to be Saline-not unlike the contact solution).  


       Yet, amongst the most heated and riot-inciting of our debates was our infamous conflict as to whether the fruit pineapple is or is not a citrus fruit.


       Now, certainly, most of your are thinking to yourself "What is there to debate? Pineapple is a citrus fruit."  To those of you likeminded individuals I say several things:


      Firstly, you are quite correct.  That being said, we live in a free country and thus gladly recognize that others may have opposing viewpoints to our own (Think of those who refuse to recognize "irregardless" as a proper word), but we also must remember that simply because someone disagrees with us - it doesn't make us wrong.


      With all that being said, Jes, one of my oldest and truly dearest of friends, a fantastic cook & the best darn trip planner this side of anywhere, is also the creator of the incredibly wonderful and amazing food and gardening blog Urban Sacred Garden.  


       Jes has taken it upon herself to display the years of research she has painstakingly collected to support her belief that Pineapple is in fact not a citrus fruit-see her post her: Pineapple: A Citrus Fruit?.  I, genuinely applaud her efforts to sway readers to "the other side" of the argument. (I would like to point out that if there wasn't an "other side" than it would not be an argument at all and more of a recital of facts-which certainly wouldn't be any fun.)


           I would like to delve right into the crux of the matter.  Pineapple is a citrus fruit, and here is why.


1.  When you think of oranges, lemons and limes, and then you think of pineapple don't you just smile at the symmetry of the notion that these fruits are all closely related.


2. Don't you find that the juices of oranges and pineapples are so similar its almost scary?  In fact they are very similar in color, body and not unlike in flavor. All are often grouped together à la orange-pineapple juice etc.


3. Like "Known" and "Accepted" citrus fruits (Lime, Lemon, Oranges, etc) Pineapple is an Alkalizing fruit due to the high level of acidity found in it.   One can easily see the connection between "acidic" and "citrus" and their shared Latin root "Acitrius"*.  The first known word for Pineapple was "Piniacitriosa"**


4. The color of Pineapple once cut up is the nearly identical to that of a lemon mixed with a twinge of orange.


5.  Pineapple, lemon, orange, lime-hmm why do all those fruits make great sherbets? Because they are all  related!


6. I could go on and on with fact, but I will spare you... 


        Let us look more in depth into the true issue which is at the core of this debate.  Who is responsible for this miscarriage of justice?  Sadly the answer is all too simple:   The "man".  Yes, the "man".  The very same "man" who is responsible for the worst of all things in Western culture is also responsible for perpetuating a horrible slander against our beloved pineapple.  


        I have scoured old world books from Europe in my attempt to cast a shining if not blinding light of truth onto this matter.  The end results of decades of translating foreign tomes in order to reconstruct the years of lies has led me to one man.

Carolus Linnaeus.  (1707-1778)  Do not be fooled by his Grandmotherly good looks my dear readers.  For under that magnificent wig lay the mind of the mastermind of this entire cobweb of deceit and treachery.   Linnaeus is the Father of the system for dividing up natural elements into Genus and Families etc. and thus a lot of the blame must rest on his shoulders.  Now, I must add that I do not believe that Linnaeus was malicious in setting out to carve out pineapple from its other Citrus brethren, but the idea of stigmatizingly separating pineapple from its close relatives must rest with him.  I will heap most of the remaining blame on countless scores of Anglo-men throughout the ages who have continued this most unfair of accusations that Pineapple is nothing like its other more sphereoidal citrus family members.


           Lets us breakdown the falsities that science has "given" us.  While yes, Pineapple's do not divide like oranges into sections, nor do they have their stereotypical rinds, but what scientists would like you to forget is how pineapples have come to look as they do and what they looked like prehistorically.  


            Eons ago before the ice age and before the volcanic destruction of most of prehistory (ie dinosaurs, unicorns and the like) Pineapples of yore much more closely resembled their citrus cousins.  (See Figure I. below)  They had similar rinds, inside of which were sections of citrus goodness, and all was well with the world.  Unfortunately, a comet hit the earth causing the tectonic plates to shift, volcanoes to form which spewed piping hot magma and ash into the air causing global warming which led to the first ice age.  


"What happened to the pineapple during this time period?" you ask.   Well dear readers, I shall tell you.  


     Due to the pineapple's precarious location (the landmass now known as Hawaii) the pineapple nearly became as extinct as the dinosaur, but due to a genetic miracle they mutated into the uniquely shaped fruit we all now know and love.   

Figure I: Prehistoric pineapple sitting next to its fellow Citrus Kin.

        The magmatic conditions on the island (See figure II. below) forced the fruit to create a thicker rind much different from its other Citrus brethren who were basking in the relatively lava-free mediterranean coast.  Where the internal fruit of the pineapple in prehistoric days formed into well divided sections due to its transformation it now formed into a tight cylinder protecting it from heat and molten lava.  The previous trees on which pineapples once grew were now shorter and squatter so that they could carry the much heavily armored pineapple.  

Figure II: The Evolution of Pineapple due to magmatic conditions in Hawaii.

      Charles Darwin would have been astonished had he realized that his "missing link" was right before him in his dish of fruit cocktail.  All the evidence he ever needed to prove his theory of evolution was right before his eyes.  Sadly he died nearly one hundred years before pineapples biggest champion (myself) was born.  I raise my glass of Pineapple juice to his memory.  


Whew,  this has been quite a journey my friends.  All of my years of study has finally paid off.  To my supporters-you know who you are- I thank you.  To those who doubted me for all these years and who now see the light- I say- have no fear-I embrace you with open arms. This is a movement by the people and for the people.   I ask you this, dear reader, to think with your heart and not the head.  


            Yes, if you look on Wikepedia  they are going to tell you the "man's" answer.  Despite the fact that I am a man, (and a very nice and caring one at that) I am not THE man and this allows me to see past the falsities and recognize the long hidden truth that pineapple is indeed a Citrus fruit.


I would like to divulge that although I have been contacted by the Société genevoise d'utilité publique about the possibility of being awarded the Nobel Prize for Fruit Justice it has in no way swayed or altered my dedication to this movement. If awarded I will accept it on behalf of pineapple and not for myself.


Thank you all for your support and faith throughout all these trying years.


Tim


Footnote


*: This term while well accepted in many circles has yet to be found in any Latin book. All the more reason to believe in the 
conspiracy of the "MAN".


** This term while known to many in this debate has been mysteriously struck from encylopedias, dictionaries and even from school text books from the 1980s.  If only Unsolved Mysteries was still on the air!!!!

Social~Lites

‎"Without a doubt, we dinosaurs are the smartest creatures on earth. Our best idea yet was the creation of that cloaking device leading humans into believing that we became "extinct". That being said, our second best idea was to keep it a secret from those bullies the T-Rex's. King of the dinosaurs? Don't make me laugh! Who's fossils now, biatch?!"