Social~Lites

"So, we were all staying over at this human guy's house & he let us do anything we wanted. We burrowed into the walls, ate all the electrical wires.  It was like being at a 24/7 rave!  Then one day a 'professional organizer' showed up with a camera crew & threw us all out, up until then I was having the time of my life. I'm telling you, the next time you want to party find an animal hoarder." 

Social~Lites

"I hate the History Channel! Their show MONSTERQUEST has been on for three seasons & not once have they had Unicorns on it.   That stupid Loch Ness Monster has been on there at least four times! They even gave Big Foot his own spinoff!  I recently met with the producer & he seemed really interested in doing a show about us until he found out we couldn't fly.  The next time somebody mistakes me for a g.d. Pegasus I'm going to stick this horn where the sun don't shine!"

Social~Lites

"Remember the good ole days when we just swam around all day long?  Ugh, life is simply too fast paced now-a-days. For example, yesterday I had to drop my kids off at the pool, have lunch with a friend, pick up my dry cleaning & then rush over to the salon to get my nails painted before they closed.  If this keeps up I am liable to have a heart attack before I turn 200!  I'd give up this modern life if it weren't for Crystal Light & my DVR."

Social~Lites

"It just peeves me to no end. Simply put, GOOD & PLENTY licorice candies are neither good nor plentiful.  It's one of the worst cases of false advertising I've ever seen. They should change their name to Don't-Eat-ems  or Good-For-Nothin's or Not-Enough-Crap-That-U-Don't-Want-Anyway. I think that last one needs a little work, but you get the idea. The only people I know on this earth who like licorice are Dads.  I chalk it up to the fact that most Fathers have bad taste. I mean, who else wears black socks with shorts? I rest my case."

Social~Lites

"My therapist says I suffer from breed envy.  I hate to agree with him, but seriously who wouldn't want to be a chiuaua? They have it all! I mean they get to be carried around in purses.  They have those tiny waists & so they can fit into all of the cutest outfits.  Most stores don't even carry my size.  I have been cursed with being a Saint Bernard in this body conscious world we live in! I must have been a real bitch in my past life. Of course, I mean that figuratively."

Social~Lites

"It was so humiliating.  My former owners filmed me doing that stupid trick & they won $10,000 from America's Funniest Home Videos.  Well, I may forever be know as the 'dog pushing a rock' but I got the last laugh when I sued Bob Sagat for character defamation & won $10 million.  You should have seen that S.O.B Sagat's expression when Judge Wapner of Animal Court told him he should be ashamed of himself."  

Social~Lites

"OK, I admit calling animal control on her may have been a bit of an over reaction, but I guarantee she'll never call me a snob for eating Fancy Feast again."

Social~Lites

"I recognize how important it is for small children to spent a lot of time with their Mother, that's why I've hired an actress to impersonate me.  Luckily, my kids are too young to distinguish between the two of us & this way I get to go shopping and have fun & they get to feel that they have a Mother who wants to be with them.  It's truly a win-win situation."

Social~Lites

"Internet security has gotten completely out of hand.  For instance, I had to reset my FaceBook password today.  Not only did it have to be 18 digits long but it had to include a capitalized letter, a number, an italicized letter, an ümlaut, a Russian Cyrillic character, & an ancient Minoan symbol.  I had to do all that just so I could deny a friend request from an old classmate from elementary school who I always hated."

Social~Lites

"Despite the economic downturn & the risk of financial ruin I still have to keep up appearances.  So to save some money I've decided to forgo my usual Kopi Luwak coffee and instead I make my own with free monkey poop from the zoo.  The best part is it smells so badly everyone thinks it's the real thing."