Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
"I recognize how important it is for small children to spent a lot of time with their Mother, that's why I've hired an actress to impersonate me. Luckily, my kids are too young to distinguish between the two of us & this way I get to go shopping and have fun & they get to feel that they have a Mother who wants to be with them. It's truly a win-win situation."
Thursday, June 23, 2011
"Internet security has gotten completely out of hand. For instance, I had to reset my FaceBook password today. Not only did it have to be 18 digits long but it had to include a capitalized letter, a number, an italicized letter, an ümlaut, a Russian Cyrillic character, & an ancient Minoan symbol. I had to do all that just so I could deny a friend request from an old classmate from elementary school who I always hated."
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"Despite the economic downturn & the risk of financial ruin I still have to keep up appearances. So to save some money I've decided to forgo my usual Kopi Luwak coffee and instead I make my own with free monkey poop from the zoo. The best part is it smells so badly everyone thinks it's the real thing."
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"Since my husband & children are so busy I don't get to see them very much. So, I decided to hire a camera crew to follow them around to film their daily lives. In the last episode my five year old daughter threw her milk at her frienemy's face & flipped her desk over. I can't wait to see what happens next!"
Monday, June 6, 2011
"Last night I woke up drenched in sweat. For the first time in my life I realized that most people will never have the opportunity to live the kind of rich and fabulous life I have led. It really makes me appreciate the unjust capitalistic system that allows just a handful of people to have everything they could ever dream of."
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"I mean, just look at her. She looks like an alien. Her lips are the size of pork tenderloins & her face has been lifted so many times her skin looks like saran wrap. She's in the gossip columns every single day & everywhere I go people are talking about her. What unethical plastic surgeon allowed her to end up looking like that? I've got to get their number so I can look just like her."