I re-write history: Saving lives and discontinued 80s snack food!

HISTORY:What should have happened...

       

      I attempt to re-write the history of the world, which at times has been a bit sad and disappointing, in a more upbeat and funner way than it actually occurred. Imagine seeing history through the eyes of  Leslie Knope (Parks n' Rec) or that happy lady from the Pine-Sol commercials (She is so peppy!)

Saving lives and discontinued 80s snack foods!

 What could/should have been:

• The Loch Ness Monster would be proven to be real. (It turns out that he was hiding a vast horde of treasure in secret underwater cavern that only a ragtag team of youths from the 1980s could find.

• The Scene with the humongous squid would be left in the film "The Goonies" and never hit the cutting room floor. (Goonies-nerds unite!!)

• Twin Peaks would have been given its third and most bizarre season ever.  We would have been introduced to the new character Mr. Pavel Slopnitkov a Russian ambassador with a hidden past who hates doughnuts and pie and soon becomes Agent Dale Cooper's latest arch-nemesis. 

• The Titanic would have been raised from the bottom of the Atlantic ocean and towed to New York where it would bring misfortune to...Oh wait, this was actually a movie. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raise_the_Titanic_(film)  Wait, I don't care. I'm keeping it on the list because it's a really cool idea.

• They would have cancelled "Two & a Half Men" before it ever aired. If you actually like that show I know an excellent cultural critic who would be happy to explain why your opinion is  wrong (Yes, that excellent cultural critic is your's truly. Of course!) and a good therapist who will help you come back to reality in a slow, healthy and manageable way by making you watch back to back episodes of the 1980s hit  classic "Crazy Like a Fox" or "Scarecrow & Mrs. King" your pick.

• Star Wars Creator George Lucas would have stopped his movie franchise after the third and final movie: Return of the Jedi. (I know you are grateful to me for stopping the more recent movies and that you are also hoping for one more additional change to history regarding the Star Wars Sago but NO: I will NOT remove the Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. I love them. They are cute and cuddly and they balance out the ugly evil force in the universe. So there.) 

• George Lucas would release the un-remade original three movies on DVD minus the new "upgrades"  such as the "Greedo shot first, crap".  (And yes. If you didn't know it already I am a nerd. Don't judge me. I don't judge you because you like the show Two & a Half Men. Because by liking that show you prove to the world you have bad taste, that is not a judgement it is simply a fact.

• Bigfoot. He's real. No need to change history there, since Bigfoot IS history. (Not sure what that means but you gotta ❤ Bigfoot just like you gotta ❤ the 80s! See my 80s post)

• The 1980s Hostess fried Pudding pies (Especially the Vanilla) would not have been discontinued but instead would have been overly-mass-produced so there would be enough for everyone on earth to eat them every day. And I mean EVERYONE would eat them everyday because they rocked and when I say everyone I mean everyone even people who have mild Gluten allergies and/or who are lactose intolerant. That's how good those pies were.

• Bo and Luke Duke  (John Schneider and Tom Wopat) would not have left the Duke of Hazard tv show in 1982 to be temporarily replaced by equally handsome cousins Coy and Vance Duke (Byron Cherry and the late Christopher Mayer) actually, come to think of it, it wasn't too bad of a change up and since it only lasted for a season and as I said they were equally handsome I  therefore I will retract this change in our historical timeline.

• The Golden Girls would still be on the air. Despite the fact that Betty White would be the only remaining cast member it would still be funnier than most of the comedy shows on television now. (Especially that horrible: Two & a Half Men show)

• Amelia Earhart and her co-pilot would have been rescued. (I always felt badly about that)

• Instead of being burned at the stake Joan d'Arc is spared and moves to England where she goes on to open a world re-knowned candy store selling: Red hots, Fire Balls,  her most popular confection: "F.U.-You-Dirty-French-Bastards-Pudding-Pops".

• Speaking of Pudding pops -they would never have stopped being made and I would be able to walk into my kitchen right now and get one. WHY JELLO?????? WHY???????!!!!!!!! I am not ashamed to say it! I love pudding pops especially the ones (NO, not the swirled kind) the one's with the chocolate chips in them!

• They would never have closed:
• Mazzoni's; 
• The Colonade; 
• The White Castle at Bardstown road; 
• The White Castle on Shelbyville road/Frankfort avenue; 
• The Sizzler (80s baby!);
• Blue Boar Cafeteria (NO I AM NOT JOKING. Did you ever have their mash potatoes? Did you?!); 
• John Conti's Cafe; 
• Bashford Manor Mall (especially the following stores); 
• Veeven's bakery; 
• Hess's Home Store; 
• Knott's Shoes (Particularly in Bashford Manor with the platform kids would climb up on); 
• Bacon's department store (MIDNIGHT MADNESS); 
• World Bazaar - what Pier One to the 2000s World Bazaar was to the 80s.

• Hostess would never have gone bankrupt. What? They're back?! THEY'RE BACK BABY THEY'RE BACK!!!!!!! (technically another company bought the name and the recipes-but that's good enough for me. As long as there are Twinkees in this world I'm okay.) 

• Lusitania sinking: wouldn't have happened.

• Hindenberg disaster: wouldn't have happened.

• The Romanov family would have been rescued. Wait...History would then have to figure out someone else for Anna Anderson to pretend to be instead of Anastasia Romanov...maybe.. Got it! She could claim to be Amelia Earhart-no wait, I already saved her. Maybe she could pretend to be the reincarnation of Cleopatra. She was really cool. (Don't you like how I just said Cleopatra was "really cool." Both my English and History teachers are having heart attacks (that have nothing to do with Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pies, btw!)

• They would still make CLEARLY CANADIAN. It was an amazing water based beverage. If you never had it you should cry because thanks to history you never will.

• They would still make Nabisco Crackers in the shape of Swiss Cheese. "WHY WERE THEY SO GOOD? WHY????" (Crack cocaine. That's why. And that's why they stopped making them. End of story.)

• Planters would still make their Cheez Balls. I presume by the spelling of Cheez there wasn't any actual cheese in them that being said whatever chemicals were in there made them incredibly delicious. And they were HEALTHY-they were BAKED (not fried) balls of chemicals!!!

• The creators of Designing Women would never fire Delta Burke and we would have had at least three more seasons of some of the best 80's/90's sitcom episodes. "Anthony! Anthony!"

• They would still make the following cereals:
• E.T. Cereal (That stuff rocked)
• Ice Cream Cones. (ONE OF THE BEST CEREALS EVER!!)
• Smurf Berry Crunch (Didn't much like it but it was cute and colorful)
• Smores Crunch (Whoa. Now that was too good.If it had been allowed to continue to exist we would have had Shangra-la on Earth and we just aren't ready for that quite yet. )
• Quaker Crunch Bran.Wait. This just in. They still make Quaker Crunch Bran.False Alarm (See Huey Lewis? It's easy to be wrong about these kind of things.)
• Gremlin's Cereal & Donkey Kong or Mr. T. Wait they still make these too they're now  called: Cap'n Crunch.
• Powdered Donutz. ATTENTION CEREAL MANUFACTURES WHY WOULD YOU STOP MAKING A CEREAL NAMED POWDERED DONUTZ??????? Why?
• Cracklin' Oat Bran. This...What? They still make this? THANK YOU KELLOGG's Thank you!!!!!

• They would never have cancelled the 80s shows: 
• Dynasty. Women in fabulous gowns rolling around in fountains. Why did that end?
• G.I.JOE. You never stop making a show where characters wear metal masks, amazing costumes, and has a character named the Baroness-NEVER.
• "V". The original 1980s series was a great show, it WAS.
• Out of this World. That sitcom about a teenaged girl who lived with her Mother and who's (whose?) Father was an Alien who communicated to her via a rock (or something.) Her on screen romance was hunky Teen-Beat Heartthrob Steve Burton better known for his role on General Hospital. A talking Alien rock and handsome costars. What is not to love?
• Small Wonder a syndicated show about a robot maid who her owners/creators pass off as their daughter. (Wait, why did I add this one to the list?)
• Probe (this one is for my Cousin Jess and Brother Pete) 

• They would still make the 1990's shows: 
• Math-Net 
• Where in the World is Carmen San Diego
• Seinfeld
• (Okay, okay): Friends (Are you happy now America? Well, are you?)
• Road Rules
• Twin Peaks (See Above)
• P.S. I Luv U, Starring Connie Sellecca-what's not to love? Am I right? A better question might be-When am I wrong? Am I right? Yes. I mean no, I am never wrong.
• The Young Riders (Again for my cuz and bro:You two had a knack of loving doomed shows. What's that about?) about a ragtag team of attractive young people in the Wild Wild West fighting bad guys and delivering mail aka the Pony Express. The series lasted longer than the actual pony express.
• And yes I much like my cousin and my brother adore unique and original shows that tend to be undervalued by the American populous. Bringing me to my last and final change to history... the 1990's television show Father Dowling Mysteries would not have been cancelled and I would be able to walk into my living room right now and watch it. WHY ABC????WHY???? Okay I am a little bit ashamed about that one... It was a show about a Priest (Tom Bosley, the Dad from Happy Days)) and his Nun side kick (Tracy Nelson, sister of the Nelson Twins) who solve crimes with the aid of the Parish maid none other than...You guessed it... Mary Wickes from the film White Christmas! It was a show for the whole family. Well, yes there was frequent murder in it, but the light 80's/90's kind of murder you'd find on Murder She Wrote or Hunter which is actually pretty family friendly.  Wait! WHAT?!  Father Dowling Mysteries on DVD??? Why am I still writing this blog post? Off to Target... Laters!