Wednesday, September 18, 2013

What YOU should be watching on NETFLIX Streaming

1. Battlestar Gallactica. 
           Your nerd and hipster friends have told you to watch this show for years. "It's the best sci-fi show of all time." "The story line and acting are incredible" "You wont be able to stop watching it once you start." Yet, for some unknown, and probably a rather lame, reason you still haven't started watching it. Perhaps you started watching the first episode and you spilt grape Fanta all over your television causing it to burst into flames. (Actually that is the only acceptable excuse for not having seen this show).  WATCH IT NOW!!! Thank me later (Preferably by giving me White Castle Gift Cards). P.S. There are 99 episodes to swoon over. Thank me later...wait I already said that so how about "Thank me now!"

2. Arrested Development. 

                Truly one of the funniest shows ever (Do NOT think I am over exaggerating how great this show is. Because I am not. It is as cool as rainbows and unicorns-I pinky swear)  A truly ensemble cast star as a bumbling shipwreck of a previously wealthy family. The multitude of zany characters include Gob (Pronounced Jobe or by people who don't know him as "Gob") the self-centered Magician; Never-nude (exactly what you think it would be) brother-in-law Tobias; One handed Momma's boy Buster; the niece named ironically "Maeby" pronounced "Maybe"; Goody two-shoes son named George Michael played by the great Michael Cera; Liza Minnellia the vertigo suffering neighbor; and Scott Baio (Charles In Charge) as Attorney Bob Loblaw. BEWARE you WILL have milk coming out of your nose (Don't worry that is the ONLY negative side effect of this show). DO NOT PASS THIS ONE UP.

P.S.You have to watch at least FOUR episodes before you decide it's one of the best shows ever, which you will, because it is.

3. The Killing. 
           Think an updated and way less weird Twin Peaks. The two main actors make this worth watching. Originally a Danish show it was remade starring the emotionless stalwart played by the unbelievable Mireille Enos and her cool doofus partner played by Swedish American actor Joel Kinnaman. The acting between the two of them alone makes this show worth watching.  The fact that there is an old school who-dun-it mystery spanning two seasons is yet another reason to watch. There are enough twists and turns to make you want to take dramamine but don't because then you would be too tired to watch this incredible show.  You will like it. 

4.  Parks and Recreation.
               This is hands down the best sitcom on television today. If you haven't watched it yet please, please, please, I'm begging you for your own good, please watch it!  If I am down and out, I can watch seven episodes in a row and it's happy time from then on out.  Set in the Park and Recreation department in the small Indiana town of Pawnee this hysterical comedy will have you "rolling in the aisles"(That sounds believable. Doesn't it?) The characters and the actors make this show. Personal faves include Libertarian Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), who as the head of the Park n' Rec dept is aways trying to find ways to defund it and who believes bacon is a food group and that crying is appropriate only at funerals and the Grand Canyon and who's second ex-wife Tammy Two (Played by Megan Mullally who played Karen Walker in Will & Grace and is actually the real life wife of Nick Offerman aka Ron Swanson) is an evil librarian who randomly pops up to wreck havoc on Ron's life). Leslie Knope (who is a personal hero of mine) is a Liberal, people-loving, optimistic, waffle eating bundle of energy.  Lil' Sebastian is the town of Pawnee's beloved little horse and last but not least the self obsessed hilarious Aziz Ansari: "Treat Yoself!" and his friend sleaze ball Jean Ralphio who is "technically" homeless.  I love every ounce of this show and so when you...oh never mind. JUST WATCH IT.

5. Twin Peaks 
                  (See my previous review of this series: Twin Peaks: Ten Reasons It is Still Relevant Today and Why YOU Should Watch It) This is one of the most inventive shows in all of television history. Creative genius David Lynch and "television veteran" as he has been previously described Mark Frost. Together they created the small town of Twin Peaks set in the North West. The home coming Queen is murdered and the whole town full of whack-jobs/eccentric oddities (The Log Lady who guess it...a log; Eye Patch wearing Nadine; the disappearing Tremonds or the reclusive agoraphobic Harold and are suspects. *********DO NOT tell anyone you are watching this show. DO NOT GOOGLE IT. You will ruin several of the mysteries if you do. Watch it at home alone or with a group who agrees to those ground rules. Remember the first rule of Twin Peaks watching is that you never talk about Twin Peaks!!! It is a tad bit creepy. What am I talking about? It is nightmare inducing!!! But it is SO worth it. (PS This show is so 1980s but in such a fun and great way!)

6. Luther. 

                This British detective show breaks the mold of a traditional genre on turns it on its head by taking the plot in unexpected and jaw dropping places. Idris Elba (The Wire) plays a down and out, troubled detective who always seems to have his superiors on his back watching for his next unethical move. Ground breaking. How good is it? Think Sherlock (staring Benedict Cumberbatch) good and I'm not joking. It's that great. Like most British shows there aren't enough episodes to satisfy Netflix watchers who go on week long marathons but there are a lot of more than Sherlock. Enjoy and thank me later. SUCH A GREAT SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Portlandia. 

             Tell me. Please. That you have already seen this series and that you adore it, because if you tell me you have never seen it I may have to have you arrested by the cultural police. Let me put it simply: No self respecting hipster; or hipster-wanna-be; or hipster-admirer-at-a-good-distance; or hipster-hater has not-not seen this show-(Okay, that phrase-ology wasn't as straightforward as I thought it was going to be. I am sorry 'bout that.)  Fred Armisen (From Saturday Night Live) and Carrie Brownstean (Singer from Sleater-Kinney) star in this outrageously ridiculously hysterical sketch comedy.

The introduction in the first episode says it all:

"Do you remember the 90s?... You know people were talking about getting piercing and getting tribal tattoos... and people were singing about saving the planet and forming bands....There's a place where that idea still exists as a reality and I've been there...Portland...all the hot girls wear glasses. The dream of the 90s is still alive, in Portland.. In Portland you can just put a bird on something and call it art..."

            My favorite sketch has to be the hippy lesbian bookstore owners (Fred Armisen as a hippy lesbian is a TRIP).  I cannot begin to describe how unusual or funny this show is. It's only a half an hour and you have to watch at least three in order for me to forgive you for not having seen it before. SHAME ON YOU!!!!

9. Bleak House.

           This is one of the best miniseries EVER. This BBC production is mind-blowingly good.  After the first episode you are hooked and with there being fifteen episodes total you will have enough to dig in and enjoy during over the course of a couple of days (YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP WATCHING ONCE YOU HAVE BEGUN). I really don't know why I hadn't even heard of this particular classic prior to watching the show but apparently the book is a bit of a bear.  Yet, it is such an amazing and enthralling story involving greed, social morales out of whack with their time, a corrupt judicial system and true love. Sadly it seems that 1852 issues are not that different from our own. Gillian Anderson (The X-Files) performance as Lady Deadlock will astound you. (You must also see her as Miss Havisham in Great Expectations also on NETFLIX STREAMING).  This is an intricate and well thought out complicated story. One that will leave you breathless and amazed. It is simply mesmerizing.

10. The I.T. Crowd. 
            Want to laugh so loud you will snort? This is your show! Take a dash of Lavern and Shirley, a hint of "Are you being served" and a healthy shot of Seinfeld and you have one of the funniest shows to hit the "Telly" in years. This British hit centers around two nerds who work in the Information Technologies Department of a large business firm while their new boss knows literally nothing about computers.  The three of them find themselves in the most ludicrous of situations (hence the Lavern and Shirley reference). It is an absolute riot.  This is the type of show you want to discuss with everyone at the water cooler at work the next day but since no one has ever heard of it you will try and try and try to get at least one person to watch it.  When no one will agree to watch it you may resort to heavy White Castle eating (That's how my WC addiction started).  Watch it for me. Please?
P.S.Thanks to my cousin Ryan for this awesome recommendation!

11. Damages. 

              This is one of the best shows you will find on Netflix. The writing is amazing. The acting (Glenn Frickin' Close People. Glenn FRICKIN' Close) is fan-frickin'tastic. Can I say Frickin' enough in the review now I can Frickin' not because that is how Frickin' great this show really is. Particularly the first two seasons. I don't even want to tell you anything about it because when I have tried to explain to people what it's about they immediately get the wrong impression. Know this: This is an intense thriller/Drama. You will not be able to stop watching it. Surprise twists and turn await. Sit back, be mesmerized and don't forget to buy those White Castle gift cards!

8. (Guilty Pleasure Warning) Revenge.
                Be forewarned this is definitely a guilty pleasure. It is certainly a soap opera but when the fabulous and beautiful Madeleine Stowe (12 Monkeys; You want me to list another movie other than 12  Monkeys? I shan't.  That film should be more than sufficient for you to place Madeleine Stowe. That movie rocked and you should have seen it again in the past three years so no I will not give you any more clues as to who she is) playing the evil villainess how could anyone not watch? The basis of the show is that Emily Thorne's (Emily VanKamp) Father was set up for a crime he did not commit and while he was imprisoned and her Insane Mother (Jennifer Jason Leigh-How's that for an 80s throwback???) was locked up in an (you guessed it) an insane asylum and little Emily Thorne was put in foster care. Now as an adult Emily plots REVENGE against her Late Father's nemesis(s)?. It is so fun. (So fun you should eat marshmallows when you watch it!) Not unlike watching the 'real' housewives reality shows only this show doesn't pretend to be real. It's light, it's ridiculous but you will get hooked and love it. Once you get hooked you will hate me because you will love a slightly lowbrow show and for that all I can say is "Sorry" and "too bad, so sad" and then give you a little sad face :(

Saturday, September 14, 2013

YES! Pluto is a planet...


           Look, it's like this: Pluto had been a planet since 1930. That means that in science-fairs around this "fair country of ours millions school children have been glueing, taping or somehow adhering spheroidal objects to poster board, strings (aka a mobile) or lazily just laying them out on a card table in a representation of our solar system, and since 1930 the last and most outer tiny styrofoam ball always represented our beloved planet Pluto.

           Pluto, the little planet that could and "did" for over 80 years has now been relegated to a "Dwarf Planet." Alright, stop the presses! I will not simply take this sitting down (although I am seated luxuriously in my very comfortable computer desk chair I got at Target. Who doesn't love Target? NOBODY that's who).  I will fight for my underdog planet!

            "Scientists" (aka THE MAN) apparently think: "Nature can giveth but Scientists can taketh away." Im sorry but I thought by definition a planet was a sphere that orbits a sun. When did that change? What possible vendetta could these scientists have against a planet named after a Disney character? (Just kidding- I know Walt Disney didn't create his Pluto until years later.  The planet was actually named after Popeyes's are nemesis Bluto but it was misspelled on the original astrological charts and the name just stuck. Did you know that Dionne Warwicks' Psychic Friends (who happened to work at the Psychic Friends Network) insisted on referring to Pluto by it's original name "Bluto"? That was before they had to flee the Country to escape all those trumped up charges. Sheesh, people can be so jealous of psychic abilities. I have lost so many friends that way.)

What possible reasons could exist for Scientists to go about and change what we know to be true?

  • Scientists are bored and they are going to start reclassify random things (e.g. Carl Linnaeus: Making Pineapple a NON-Citrus fruit. Shame on you Carl! Shame!!! I will forgive you, but will history? Will it?!)
  • Scientists are power hungry and want to change the course and scope of human knowledge.
  • It could be that they are just misguided souls doing their best to further science understanding but are simply wrong this time.  
Whichever one it is I can only beg the scientific community to reconsider it's exclusion of Pluto from its brethren/sisteren.

         The truth is: yesterday, today and tomorrow the littlest and most beloved planet is always right up there (I'm pointing to the sky right now-can you see it in your mind?) in the largest orbit (around the sun) of any of it's siblings.

          Imagine this, Nerdy Scientists (and I suspect you will like this scenario because it is very very nerdy. Please note that I fully recognize and embrace my own nerdiness so I am not "hating." Okay?)  When aliens invade our galaxy their first contact with our system will be the wee but mighty planet Pluto. Perhaps just perhaps as they shoot a laser beam towards the earth that littlest tinniest planet will have just enough density to deflect that laser beam and save our own planet. What would you say to Pluto then scientists? I dare say you would have to say the following: "Dear Pluto. We are sorry we doubted you. Without you we would never have made it through that alien invasion. You have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are most certainly a PLANET. That is before you were destroyed by a laser which makes us feel even worse for having doubted you all those years. We will now commemorate this giant mobile with Pluto as the largest of the planets representing the fact that it had the biggest heart of them all."  On that day scientist you will be feel bad- I mean really bad. But as a teardrop lands on my check I will smile remembering just how brave Pluto the PLANET was and you can't take that away from me.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

What should have happened: HISTORY, IF I HAD BEEN IN CHARGE!

HISTORY:What should have happened...
         I attempt to re-write the history of the world, which at times has been a bit sad and disappointing, in a more upbeat and funner way than it actually occurred. Imagine seeing history through the eyes of  Leslie Knope (Parks n' Rec) or that happy lady from the Pine-Sol commercials (She is so peppy!)

Saving lives and discontinued 80s snack foods!

 What could/should have been:
  • The Loch Ness Monster would be proven to be real. (It turns out that he was hiding a vast horde of treasure in secret underwater cavern that only a ragtag team of youths from the 1980s could find.
  • The Scene with the humongous squid would be left in the film "The Goonies" and never hit the cutting room floor. (Goonies-nerds unite!!)
  • Twin Peaks would have been given its third and most bizarre season ever.  We would have been introduced to the new character Mr. Pavel Slopnitkov a Russian ambassador with a hidden past who hates doughnuts and pie and soon becomes Agent Dale Cooper's latest arch-nemesis. 
  • The Titanic would have been raised from the bottom of the Atlantic ocean and towed to New York where it would bring misfortune to...Oh wait, this was actually a movie.  Wait, I don't care. I'm keeping it on the list because it's a really cool idea.
  • They would have cancelled "Two & a Half Men" before it ever aired. If you actually like that show I know an excellent cultural critic who would be happy to explain why your opinion is  wrong (Yes, that excellent cultural critic is your's truly. Of course!) and a good therapist who will help you come back to reality in a slow, healthy and manageable way by making you watch back to back episodes of the 1980s hit  classic "Crazy Like a Fox" or "Scarecrow & Mrs. King" your pick.
  • Star Wars Creator George Lucas would have stopped his movie franchise after the third and final movie: Return of the Jedi. (I know you are grateful to me for stopping the more recent movies and that you are also hoping for one more additional change to history regarding the Star Wars Sago but NO: I will NOT remove the Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. I love them. They are cute and cuddly and they balance out the ugly evil force in the universe. So there.) 
  • George Lucas would release the un-remade original three movies on DVD minus the new "upgrades"  such as the "Greedo shot first, crap".  (And yes. If you didn't know it already I am a nerd. Don't judge me. I don't judge you because you like the show Two & a Half Men. Because by liking that show you prove to the world you have bad taste, that is not a judgement it is simply a fact.
  • Bigfoot. He's real. No need to change history there, since Bigfoot IS history. (Not sure what that means but you gotta Bigfoot just like you gotta the 80s! See my 80s post)
  • The 1980s Hostess fried Pudding pies (Especially the Vanilla) would not have been discontinued but instead would have been overly-mass-produced so there would be enough for everyone on earth to eat them every day. And I mean EVERYONE would eat them everyday because they rocked and when I say everyone I mean everyone even people who have mild Gluten allergies and/or who are lactose intolerant. That's how good those pies were.
  • Bo and Luke Duke  (John Schneider and Tom Wopat) would not have left the Duke of Hazard tv show in 1982 to be temporarily replaced by equally handsome cousins Coy and Vance Duke (Byron Cherry and the late Christopher Mayer) actually, come to think of it, it wasn't too bad of a change up and since it only lasted for a season and as I said they were equally handsome I  therefore I will retract this change in our historical timeline.
  • The Golden Girls would still be on the air. Despite the fact that Betty White would be the only remaining cast member it would still be funnier than most of the comedy shows on television now. (Especially that horrible: Two & a Half Men show)
  • Amelia Earhart and her co-pilot would have been rescued. (I always felt badly about that)
  • Instead of being burned at the stake Joan d'Arc is spared and moves to England where she goes on to open a world re-knowned candy store selling: Red hots, Fire Balls,  her most popular confection: "F.U.-You-Dirty-French-Bastards-Pudding-Pops".
  • Speaking of Pudding pops -they would never have stopped being made and I would be able to walk into my kitchen right now and get one. WHY JELLO?????? WHY???????!!!!!!!! I am not ashamed to say it! I love pudding pops especially the ones (NO, not the swirled kind) the one's with the chocolate chips in them!
  • They would never have closed:
    • Mazzoni's
    • The Colonade
    • The White Castle at Bardstown road; 
    • The White Castle on Shelbyville road/Frankfort avenue; 
    • The Sizzler (80s baby!);
    • Blue Boar Cafeteria (NO I AM NOT JOKING. Did you ever have their mash potatoes? Did you?!); 
    • John Conti's Cafe
    • Bashford Manor Mall (especially the following stores)
      • Veeven's bakery
      • Hess's Home Store
      • Knott's Shoes (Particularly in Bashford Manor with the platform kids would climb up on); 
      • Bacon's department store (MIDNIGHT MADNESS); 
      • World Bazaar - what Pier One to the 2000s World Bazaar was to the 80s.
  • Hostess would never have gone bankrupt. What? They're back?! THEY'RE BACK BABY THEY'RE BACK!!!!!!! (technically another company bought the name and the recipes-but that's good enough for me. As long as there are Twinkees in this world I'm okay.) 
  • Lusitania sinking: wouldn't have happened.
  • Hindenberg disaster: wouldn't have happened.
  • The Romanov family would have been rescued. Wait...History would then have to figure out someone else for Anna Anderson to pretend to be instead of Anastasia Romanov...maybe.. Got it! She could claim to be Amelia Earhart-no wait, I already saved her. Maybe she could pretend to be the reincarnation of Cleopatra. She was really cool. (Don't you like how I just said Cleopatra was "really cool." Both my English and History teachers are having heart attacks (that have nothing to do with Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pies, btw!)
  • They would still make CLEARLY CANADIAN. It was an amazing water based beverage. If you never had it you should cry because thanks to history you never will.
  • They would still make Nabisco Crackers in the shape of Swiss Cheese. "WHY WERE THEY SO GOOD? WHY????" (Crack cocaine. That's why. And that's why they stopped making them. End of story.)
  • Planters would still make their Cheez Balls. I presume by the spelling of Cheez there wasn't any actual cheese in them that being said whatever chemicals were in there made them incredibly delicious. And they were HEALTHY-they were BAKED (not fried) balls of chemicals!!!
  • The creators of Designing Women would never fire Delta Burke and we would have had at least three more seasons of some of the best 80's/90's sitcom episodes. "Anthony! Anthony!"
  • They would still make the following cereals:
    • E.T. Cereal (That stuff rocked)
    • Ice Cream Cones. (ONE OF THE BEST CEREALS EVER!!)
    • Smurf Berry Crunch (Didn't much like it but it was cute and colorful)
    • Smores Crunch (Whoa. Now that was too good.If it had been allowed to continue to exist we would have had Shangra-la on Earth and we just aren't ready for that quite yet. )
    • Quaker Crunch Bran.Wait. This just in. They still make Quaker Crunch Bran.False Alarm (See Huey Lewis? It's easy to be wrong about these kind of things.)
    • Gremlin's Cereal & Donkey Kong or Mr. T. Wait they still make these too they're now  called: Cap'n Crunch.
    • Cracklin' Oat Bran. This...What? They still make this? THANK YOU KELLOGG's Thank you!!!!!
  • They would never have cancelled the 80s shows: 
    • Dynasty. Women in fabulous gowns rolling around in fountains. Why did that end?
    • G.I.JOE. You never stop making a show where characters wear metal masks, amazing costumes, and has a character named the Baroness-NEVER.
    • "V". The original 1980s series was a great show, it WAS.
    • Out of this World. That sitcom about a teenaged girl who lived with her Mother and who's (whose?) Father was an Alien who communicated to her via a rock (or something.) Her on screen romance was hunky Teen-Beat Heartthrob Steve Burton better known for his role on General Hospital. A talking Alien rock and handsome costars. What is not to love?
    • Small Wonder a syndicated show about a robot maid who her owners/creators pass off as their daughter. (Wait, why did I add this one to the list?)
    • Probe (this one is for my Cousin Jess and Brother Pete) 
  • They would still make the 1990's shows: 
    • Math-Net 
    • Where in the World is Carmen San Diego
    • Seinfeld
    • (Okay, okay): Friends (Are you happy now America? Well, are you?)
    • Road Rules
    • Twin Peaks (See Above)
    • P.S. I Luv U, Starring Connie Sellecca-what's not to love? Am I right? A better question might be-When am I wrong? Am I right? Yes. I mean no, I am never wrong.
    • The Young Riders (Again for my cuz and bro:You two had a knack of loving doomed shows. What's that about?) about a ragtag team of attractive young people in the Wild Wild West fighting bad guys and delivering mail aka the Pony Express. The series lasted longer than the actual pony express.
    • And yes I much like my cousin and my brother adore unique and original shows that tend to be undervalued by the American populous. Bringing me to my last and final change to history... the 1990's television show Father Dowling Mysteries would not have been cancelled and I would be able to walk into my living room right now and watch it. WHY ABC????WHY???? Okay I am a little bit ashamed about that one... It was a show about a Priest (Tom Bosley, the Dad from Happy Days)) and his Nun side kick (Tracy Nelson, sister of the Nelson Twins) who solve crimes with the aid of the Parish maid none other than...You guessed it... Mary Wickes from the film White Christmas! It was a show for the whole family. Well, yes there was frequent murder in it, but the light 80's/90's kind of murder you'd find on Murder She Wrote or Hunter which is actually pretty family friendly.  Wait! WHAT?!  Father Dowling Mysteries on DVD??? Why am I still writing this blog post? Off to Target... Laters!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Why the 80's were the best decade to be a kid...

All of the Reasons (well actually 34 of the Reasons) Why the 80's were the Best Decade to be a Kid. 

If you argue with the above statement you are wrong. 

PART I (There are too many amazing reasons for just one Blog entry)

1.  The Goonies. Goonies Never Say "Die". Enough said.

2.  The Never Ending Story.  Or I should have said "THE NEVER FRICKIN' ENDING STORY!!!" Because you frickin' wished it never ended because it was sooo cool!

3.  Cyndi Lauper. "Girl's just want to have fun" is so great that it shouldn't even be called a song anymore but instead it should be called "a dance party for your ears" or an "instantaneous happy mood inducing drug".

4.  The A-Team (Yes, I said it. You were hoping I wasn't going to, but I did, so get over it!)

5.  Star Wars (Okay, so technically they started in the 70's. Big Whoop. It was the 80's when the movie cemented into ikonic (I prefer the "k" to the "c" version of Ikon-"so sue me") status. (PS "So sue me" is an excellent example of an 80's comeback)

6.  Remington Steele. REMINGTON STEELE, PEOPLE! REMINGTON FRICKIN' STEELE!!! Solving mysteries with the aid of Everybody Love's Raymond's mom. I remember a lot of suspenders, fedora's and white/cream suits. GOTTA LOVE THE 80s. No really, you have to. It's actually a question on Saint Peter's final exam. "Do you love the 80's"  But of course the word love has been replaced by a big red heart . Hint: answer "YES". Trust me on this one.

7.  Rubick's cubes. I like the idea more than the actual puzzle. It's really hard. If you ever figured it out you felt like Albert Einstein. And truly, if you figured it out you were a genius. You should join Mensa if you figured it out. I am not joking.

8.  Transformers (show and toys) cars that turned into robots that turned into cars. WHAT's NOT TO LOVE? P.S. Starscream is still my favorite.

9.  G.I.Joe. Fabulously costumed bad guys who shoot laser beams that don't kill people is my kind of show. PS. Wait, it's frickin' G.I.JOE no additional postscript is needed.

10. Punky Brews***...wait, I'm not going there.  You can't pay me enough. Actually, yes you could. How much is this worth to you?

The real 10. Rainbows. On everything (T-Shirts, Posters, Stickers, etc etc). Everywhere.

11. Unicorns. On everything. Everywhere.

12. Pegasus. On Everything. Everywhere.

13. Cartoon animals wearing t-shirts.

14. Puffy stickers with Rainbows, Unicorns, Pegasus(es) and cartoon animals wearing t-shirts.

15. Scratch n' sniff stickers that never smelled like what they were supposed to be.

16. Jem. Jem, Jem, she's truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous. She was actually pretty outrageous and I love her.

17. Coca-Cola Shirts. They were rad.

18. Swatch Watches. They were wicked.

19. Really cool descriptors like "rad" and "wicked" and "totally tubular"

20. The Facts of Life. Nuff said.

21. Family Ties. Aw, Family Ties aw. P.S. Alex P. Keaton. Remember the episode Alex dated Geena Davis? Or the one where Tom Hanks played their alcoholic uncle and was discovered drinking the maraschino cherry juice because of the alcohol content?

22. The Great Space Coaster. "Climb aboard"; "No Gnus is Good Gnus with Gary Gnu"

23. He-Man: Masters of the Universe. Bulging muscle men in speedos fighting evil. Sounds good to me.

24. WWF: Youth of America pay close attention. When I say WWF I mean World Wrestling Federation and not World Wildlife Fund. I love animals as much as the next person but sadly only one WWF made it on the list and it the one with bulging muscle men in speedos fighting evil. Wait a minute. That Sounds familiar...

25. Atari. Pac-man at home was the most amazing thing in the history of all time. It was. It really was. Youth of America cannot understand just how cool it was.

26. Arcade Games: Donkey Kong; Q-bert; Dragon's Lair; Frogger; Pitfall, Centipede, Burgertime. Contra, Gauntlet (It was four frickin players at the same frickin time. It doesn't get more awesome than that). DOUBLE DRAGON (It's not better than Gaunlet since as I said nothing gets more awesome than Gauntlet).

27. Fluorescent everything (Tell me fluorescent isn't totally spelled weirdly? "u" then the "o"? Come on!) I used to have a fluorescent neon Green shirt that matched my shoe laces.How cool was I? I just told you how cool I was I had neon green shirt and shoe laces- That is how cool I was.

28. Hyper colo... NOPE I am not going to include those shirts because I never even heard of the until after the year 2000. Plus they sound gross.

The real 28. The cartoons Duck Tales & Rescue Rangers. LOVED those cartoons and who wouldn't? Ducks and  Rodents solving crimes? It's was like Murder She Wrote for kids without the murder or Angela Lansbury.

30.  Nintendo. Ushering in the era Super Mario; Icarus; Zelda; Metroid all making the 80's oh so rad. Let's all say it together shall we?: "Up, Down, Up, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right B, A, B, A, Select, Start."

31. Bubble Letters were invented. (Okay, Okay. Maybe they weren't invented in the 80's but they were perfected then. This you cannot deny my friend! This you cannot deny)

32. MTV.  Nothing says the 80s like music videos. The best ever? You know it: "Take on me" by a-ha. The one that turned into a cartoon mid way through and then back again to real life when the guy broke through the cartoon wall. Simply the best. Don't even say thriller because you know it's "Take on me". And how do you know it's "Take on me"? Because I JUST TOLD YOU!

33. Bananarama, The Go-Go's and that other girl band (THE BANGLES I knew I'd remember) that sum up 80's pop music so amazingly. Cruel Summer, Manic Monday, Eternal Flame, We got the Beat, Vacation....If these songs didn't exist what a cruel cruel world it would be. No one would ever have made it through a monday or realized that they had the beat.

34. TRAPPER KEEPERS. I know your heart just gushed when I said that. TRAPPER KEEPERs. What was your favorite? I bet it had a rainbow, a unicorn or a kitten or all three.

There will be more to come. Until then I will remind you that Billie-Jean is not my lover because love is a battlefield so that is why I Wear My Sunglasses at Night so I can, so I can find my Raspberry Beret before I go out and meet that Uptown girl who will tell me to Hush Hush because Voices Carry and its just a natural Reflex to be Hungry like the Wolf so time after time I'll just eat it and then I'll beat it because it's been a Cruel Cruel Summer but in the end it's all just Sweet Dreams made up of a Material World and I have got to go because I am going on a Holiday which is a Vacation getaway where I will do some Night Swimming. (Wait that last one was from the 1990s. Oh well, I like it so it stays)  Laters!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Watercolor for my dear friend L.S.  Good luck "3,3!"
 I'll miss you at work but I wont miss you since Im going to see you all the time & 
besides you're my next door neighbor!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Dear Neighbors: YOU SUCK

Dear Neighbors (aka The man and woman living above me),

You suck.

Let me clarify.  I am sure that you don't suck as human beings or at least your SOUL doesn't suck. That being said, you definitely suck as neighbors.  There is no doubt about that fact. I checked with the creator(s) of the known Universe and he/she/it/they agreed 100% that you do indeed suck as neighbors. (He/She/It/They also randomly commented on how much they liked my style. You really didn't need to know that but I thought it might lighten the tone of this letter.)

I am beginning to think that somehow I missed the fact that the two of you are actually centaurs. That would explain why you clomp and clomp and well...clomp constantly. Being half horse explains why you make such a loud sound while walking but it doesn't explain why you feel compelled to clomp at 4am in the morning and that is the least of the reasons why you suck.

Here is an illustration of what occurred at 4am in our respective apartments Tuesday morning:

[Figure I: Upstairs:You two all drunk noisy & clomping. Downstairs: Me trying to sleep at 4a.m. For the record I time stamped this event by calling the scientists at the World Clock in Greenwich, England. They were really nice and very smart folks.After explaining why I was calling them they told me to tell you two to "shut it" and "knock it off!" You may want to consider their advice. I mean, they are WORLD scientists after all which ought to count for something.]

BTW: I have diagnosed both of you with ADHD.  Fortunately for you both there are psychiatric medications which can help such as Ritalin, Concerta, Adderrall or if you have substance abuse problems you might consider the non-habit forming Straterra.

Oh, and that brings me to your other diagnosis: Alcohol abuse. (Technically I haven't known you two for very long so I can't honestly say whether you may also have Alcohol dependence but that is looking pretty likely as well.)

FYI (For your Information):

You are not the only two humans (or creatures, if indeed you are centaurs) to inhabit this earth and more specifically (and more to the point) this apartment building.

I know this will be surprising but when you drink a whole lot of alcohol you will get drunk (this is true for either humans or centaurs-I checked with Google).  More specifically when you two get drunk you stumble around and fight with each other. Thus bringing me to yet another truth:

You not only suck as neighbors but you also suck as a couple.  In case you doubt me I have supporting proof.  Fighting at 3am in the morning 6 out of 7 days a week by definition means you are failures in your relationship, I know this because I checked with all of the collected knowledge from the beginning of mankind/centaur time.

I  know from observation that you two love constant arguing and storming out of rooms.  While yelling and storming out of rooms is more than appropriate in both bars and soap operas (especially Dallas or Dynasty) they are not appropriate for residences marked by shared common walls, floors and ceilings.

May I also point out that your apartment is not that big, so storming out of one room and into another is not particularly dramatic. You know what might actually very dramatic? Maybe you could storm out of your apartment and never come back! Now that would be SOOO dramatic. Why don't you try that? Both of you.

I would suggest you break up but no other two human beings and/or centaurs would want either of you and you should stay together because I doubt either of your could actually survive on your own.

This brings me to what I thought would have been an obvious statement of physics which has apparently gotten by you both. Since you live on the second floor of our shared apartment building your floors are my ceilings. Therefore your clomping is also my clomping (if you get my meaning which I suspect you don't.)

May I be so bold to make the following recommendations:

Move to Another residence. One that has no shared space.  May I strongly encourage you to consider the Country.  If you cannot afford a house or trailer perhaps a tent would suffice,   I have heard loud noises keep predators away, so neither of you should have any problems.

I see that you attended a State University (and that it was NOT the University of Louisville). Perhaps this education was not sufficient (Believe me when I say that it wasn't). Maybe you could both enroll at the University of Louisville in all of the following classes:

Common Sense: 101
Common Decency: 101
The Worth of Others: 101
Narcissism: 101 Admitting it is the first step
Narcissism: 201 You are not cured yet so retake 101 and Then Come Back
Home Ec. for Centaurs: 101 (this one is not mandatory but knowing you two it couldn't hurt)

    So I thank you selfish-rude-neighbors for reading this blog post and taking all of this under consideration.  I know that it may be a wake up call to know that others can be negatively affected by your actions but I thought it my duty since each of your respective parents/foster parents/orphanage staff/wolves (or whomever happened to partially raised you) as well as society as a whole has somehow failed to instill this into your twenty something brains.

See you soon or should I say "Hear you soon!"


Monday, September 2, 2013

Sunday, September 1, 2013

10 Reasons why you would have fake bullet-hole decals on your car.

      So, I was walking down the street today and saw a car with two fake bullet hole decals on it.  It made me wonder: "Why would anyone have two bullet hole decals on their car?"

      I suspect that you and many others like yourself have often wondered the very same thing and now thanks to this happy twist of fate I'm going to share the distilled results of my hours of personal research into the matter.

I have calculated that there are a total of 10 possible reasons why you would have bullet hole decals on your car:

(Quick aside. ((I just love asides!! Wait, this is an aside to my original aside! Sorry about that. I tend to get carried away with asides. They're just so much fun!)) Now back to the aside: By "YOU" I mean the formal "ONE" as in "Why would ONE put fake bullet-hole decals on one's car? But since this is the Internet and the most Post Modern of all communication forums I thought it best to be hip and cool and use the more common "You" My apologies to language purists.)

1. You live the "thug life."

2. You want people to think you live the "thug life."

3. You used to live the "thug life" and you want to remind yourself what could happen if you returned to said "thug life."

4.  You know that someone has put a hit out on you and you want them to believe that the drive-by has already been performed.

     There are two addendum to # 4:
  • If you want people to believe that a drive-by has been performed please remember to use more than two bullet hole decals on your car, otherwise they will think the drive-by was unsuccessful and possibly drive-by yet again.
  • For the record shouldn't the spelling of "drive-by" actually be "drive-bye". 
    • By definition a drive-by is when a vehicle (car/bus/van/motorcycle/motor-scooter/bicycle/unicycle/tricycle/one of those military motorcycles with those cute little side-cars/etc) drives-by and someone from within the moving vehicle shoots a gun at someone outside of their vehicle who is either on the sidewalk, in another car or in one's own yard or a friend's yard, or a stranger's front, back, or I suppose even side yard. 
    • The perpetrator drives-by and shoots you (hence the term drive-by).  Yet the entire point of the drive-by  is to end your life and thereby creating the ultimate "bye" as in "good-bye." Thus making more sense to say "drive-BYE."
    • From now on in my mind when I hear someone else say "drive-by" I will spell it out in my head as "drive-bye."  I encourage you to do the same. 
    • I am in the process of drawing up papers with my lawyer to copyright this new spelling but never fear! I would never charge anyone for the use of the "e," especially since it should have been there to begin with.  It's my public duty to correct a grammatical error (is spelling a grammatical error? Let's say it is. Shall we?) much like it's my duty to tell everyone that Huey Lewis is very much ALIVE. (Hopefully that statement will put his lawyers and the entire matter at rest.) I had inadvertently/accidentally been telling people for YEARS that I didn't have the heart to watch the movie DUETS starring Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow since it was the last movie Huey made before his untimely death. I really am sorry, Huey!! How many times can I say it?! I swear I heard you had died from Entertainment Tonight or Hard Copy or maybe it was one of those "Farewell" issues of People Magazine. Why would I make it up? Why?!
5. You want your friends, enemies, frienemies and/or strangers to say one/all of the following:
  • "Wow, Bob (or whatever your name is) is living on the edge! Did you see those bullet holes on his/her car?"
  • "Bob (or whatever your name is) is so ironic! Did you see those fake bullet hole decals on his/her car? What a cool hipster he/she is."
  • "Man, Bob (or whatever you name is) is so rad.  I've got to get him/her to tell me where he/she got those wicked-awesome fake bullet decals that he/she put on his/her car. I'm so totally jealous!"
6.   You went to the Carl Casper's Auto Show and saw that Knight Rider's Kitt was sporting some way cool fake bullet decals and you just had to have some too.

7.   Some punk-kids put them on your car.

8.   You have them on your car because fake bullet hole decals get you the Ladies (and/or Men).

9.   They were on your car when you bought it and you have been too lazy to take them off.

10. Simply put: You are too cool for school.

And those Ladies and Gentlemen are the only 10 reasons why you would have fake bullet hole decals on your car.  Any other possibilities will fall neatly within these 10. The End.

Is Kentucky a Southern or Midwestern State?
      Before I answer this question let me give you my credentials (proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I know what I am talking/writing about):

  • I was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky. As were my parents and grandparents. The rumors that some of my great grandparents were Hoosiers are just that...rumors).
  • I have travelled throughout the South and Midwest enough to be able to distinguish between the two.
  • I am smart. 

This should be ample proof that I do indeed know what I am talking about.

       All that being said, 
Kentucky is a Southern State. 

"But of course" you are saying to yourself. Well, you are smart too but there is a small contingency of persons who ardently & misinformed-edly believe that Kentucky is actually part of the midwest. 

For those few I will lay out the most comprehensive and persuasive argument that will ever and need ever be (how is that for some fancy word play?) made.

20 Reasons Why Kentucky is a Southern State:

1. Magnolia trees. Nothing says THE SOUTH like Magnolia trees.  Those evergreen trees with their broad, sturdy and shiny green leaves and their beautiful, fragrant and massive flower blossoms have been a traditional symbol of the South for eons. Kentucky just happens to be the furthest Northern edge where Magnolia trees grow. In fact my parents have a huge Magnolia tree in their front yard. (So there.)

2. Azalea bushes. Yet another traditional Southern plant that is found growing in Kentucky yards.

3. Johnny Depp is from Kentucky. (That has no bearing on this discussion but I thought you'd like to know that). (P.S. George Clooney also from Kentucky. Muhammad Ali... You guessed it, Kentucky.)

4. Unlike all other parts of the Country, people in the South say the following:
  • A type of faucet where you can get water is called a Spicket. In the rest of the Country it is called and spelled Spigot (Tell me that's not weird sounding!)
  • The nonabbreviated form of the word TARP is called and spelled Tarpuleon (like NapoLEON) in the South whereas elsewhere it is pronounced and spelled Tarpaulin (TARPAULIN? Give me a break!)
  • We use the word TUMP. A combination of Tip and dumped. e.g. "I tumped over my red wine and it stained the carpet." According to Urban Dictionary this originated in ALABAMA-nothing more Southern than ALABAMA. (btw The State Motto of Alabama is: STARS FELL ON ALABAMA. Yes, that really is their motto. I think stars fell on Alabama and left large craters which somehow explains the State's multitude of problems-No offense intended Alambanians, Alabamamanians? Alabamers? Whoever you are, I'm sorry. Well I'm kinda sorry. Okay maybe not so much.Okay no really I am sorry, I am a social worker after all.)
  • Many Kentuckians say "Warsh", "Warshington D.C." and "Warsh" your clothes as oppsed to Wash or Washington which is just darned cute. Wait, I say that myself. Does that make me cute too? Yes, it does.
  • Many Kentuckians say Tarlet or Torlet as opposed to Toilet. That's not as cute as "Warsh".
5.  We have the Kentucky Derby here in... well, Kentucky. Nothing says the South like The Kentucky Derby.  We also have Derby pie here which has BOURBON in it. Nothing says the South like Bourbon (see # 11)

6. Kentucky Fried Chicken was created and is still based from here. Colonel Harland Sanders who wore white suits and string bow ties created the Famous restaurant chain (Let us not quibble about where he was born (Hoosierville) he lived, created his Famous 11 Herbs and Spices recipe, died and is buried here in Kentucky. No one was more of a Southerner than the Colonel. He was most certainly not a Mid-Westener.

7. We have free soda refills in our restaurants. Trust me this is one of the biggest proofs in the entire article. I dare you to take a road trip through the Midwest and go to any diner or roadside restaurant and you will have to pay for your precious second or third diet Coke. Then travel down to the South and enjoy as many refills as you'd like. (Kentucky has free refills. The South has free refills. Need I say more? No. But I will.)

8. Annie Potts who starred in "Designing Women" about four Southern Belle interior decorators is from Kentucky.The Late Tennessee native Dixie Carter attended the Kentucky Derby annually even singing "My Old Kentucky Home" (see #9) at the Derby. I just loved her!

9. BTW: Have you ever heard "My Old Kentucky Home"? There is not a more Southern Song ever written.

10. We say "Y'all" and not in an ironic way.

11. The Judd's (that's right, Naomi, Wynonna, Ashley) are from Kentucky.

12. We have cute accents-perhaps not with such a heavy drawl but decidedly not the typical no-accent midwest.

13. Bourbon, the drink of the South is from Kentucky (Nelson County to be exact).

14. When mentioned that Hunger Games Actor Josh Hutcherson was from Union City, KY. they referred to him as a "Southern boy". (I know that is totally random but it came up on a Google search of Stars from Kentucky and without this fact I would only have 19 reasons why Kentucky is a Southern State and 20 has a much better ring to it. Don't you agree? Yes, of course you do. Thanks for that!)

15. We still have a paddle boat named the Belle of Louisville.

16. If we drink tea it's going to be sweet (or at least if we order it un-sweet we use artificial sweeteners aka cancerous chemicals to make it sweet in order for us to save enough calorie points for dessert which will most likely be pie or cobbler-HOW SOUTHERN IS THAT?!)

17. Apple Fritters. We have them. We love them. That makes us Southern.

18. We still have counties that are dry (It's illegal to sell Alcohol in these counties. Odd since we make Bourbon in Kentucky but since we are in the Southern Bible belt what would you expect?)

19. Would you tell the Coal Miner's daughter (Loretta Lynn) that she was born in the MidWest? I would certainly hope you wouldn't! That would be very rude as well as incorrect.

20. Last and certainly not least: People are friendly here!!! It is not that Midwesterners are not nice people, but they are not particularly friendly. If you pass someone of the street of any MidWest town and you'd be lucky to get a nod, a wave or a "How are you doing?". Here in Kentucky people ask how you are doing or at the very least give you a head not and a "Alright now".  

There you have it folks Kentucky is part of the South. Now one could argue that we aren't as Southern as say: Georgia, Mississippi, or Arkansas but we are Southern. We do have flavors of the Midwest for certain and every once in a while a Yankee turn of phrase or inclination can be found in Louisville which is practically unlike any other part of Kentucky but in the end Southern or not (and we are, Southern just for the record) we are one fantastic and amazing State. (Heck, the Happy Birthday song was written by two sisters right here in Louisville, Kentucky. What more proof do you need?
The answer is: Nothing.