Rebuttal: Pineapple is a Citrus fruit

       

Figure I: Prehistoric pineapple sitting next to its fellow Citrus Kin.  Please see below for a detailed explanation of this highly accurate (and awfully cute) diagram.

 My Beloved friend Jes and I enjoy elaborate discussions about a variety of topics.   Over the years some of these discussions have become debates.  


       Agreeably, we have argued about many things,  "What is the Spanish variation of Reba Mcentire's name?" (which as it turns out is Arriba) & "What is the French-Canadienne form of Celine Dion's name?" (which happens to be Saline-not unlike the contact solution).  


       Yet, amongst the most heated and riot-inciting of our debates was our infamous conflict as to whether the fruit pineapple is or is not a citrus fruit.


       Now, certainly, most of your are thinking to yourself "What is there to debate? Pineapple is a citrus fruit."  To those of you likeminded individuals I say several things:


      Firstly, you are quite correct.  That being said, we live in a free country and thus gladly recognize that others may have opposing viewpoints to our own (Think of those who refuse to recognize "irregardless" as a proper word), but we also must remember that simply because someone disagrees with us - it doesn't make us wrong.


      With all that being said, Jes, one of my oldest and truly dearest of friends, a fantastic cook & the best darn trip planner this side of anywhere, is also the creator of the incredibly wonderful and amazing food and gardening blog Urban Sacred Garden.  


       Jes has taken it upon herself to display the years of research she has painstakingly collected to support her belief that Pineapple is in fact not a citrus fruit-see her post her: Pineapple: A Citrus Fruit?.  I, genuinely applaud her efforts to sway readers to "the other side" of the argument. (I would like to point out that if there wasn't an "other side" than it would not be an argument at all and more of a recital of facts-which certainly wouldn't be any fun.)


           I would like to delve right into the crux of the matter.  Pineapple is a citrus fruit, and here is why.


1.  When you think of oranges, lemons and limes, and then you think of pineapple don't you just smile at the symmetry of the notion that these fruits are all closely related.


2. Don't you find that the juices of oranges and pineapples are so similar its almost scary?  In fact they are very similar in color, body and not unlike in flavor. All are often grouped together à la orange-pineapple juice etc.


3. Like "Known" and "Accepted" citrus fruits (Lime, Lemon, Oranges, etc) Pineapple is an Alkalizing fruit due to the high level of acidity found in it.   One can easily see the connection between "acidic" and "citrus" and their shared Latin root "Acitrius"*.  The first known word for Pineapple was "Piniacitriosa"**


4. The color of Pineapple once cut up is the nearly identical to that of a lemon mixed with a twinge of orange.


5.  Pineapple, lemon, orange, lime-hmm why do all those fruits make great sherbets? Because they are all  related!


6. I could go on and on with fact, but I will spare you... 


        Let us look more in depth into the true issue which is at the core of this debate.  Who is responsible for this miscarriage of justice?  Sadly the answer is all too simple:   The "man".  Yes, the "man".  The very same "man" who is responsible for the worst of all things in Western culture is also responsible for perpetuating a horrible slander against our beloved pineapple.  


        I have scoured old world books from Europe in my attempt to cast a shining if not blinding light of truth onto this matter.  The end results of decades of translating foreign tomes in order to reconstruct the years of lies has led me to one man.

Carolus Linnaeus.  (1707-1778)  Do not be fooled by his Grandmotherly good looks my dear readers.  For under that magnificent wig lay the mind of the mastermind of this entire cobweb of deceit and treachery.   Linnaeus is the Father of the system for dividing up natural elements into Genus and Families etc. and thus a lot of the blame must rest on his shoulders.  Now, I must add that I do not believe that Linnaeus was malicious in setting out to carve out pineapple from its other Citrus brethren, but the idea of stigmatizingly separating pineapple from its close relatives must rest with him.  I will heap most of the remaining blame on countless scores of Anglo-men throughout the ages who have continued this most unfair of accusations that Pineapple is nothing like its other more sphereoidal citrus family members.


           Lets us breakdown the falsities that science has "given" us.  While yes, Pineapple's do not divide like oranges into sections, nor do they have their stereotypical rinds, but what scientists would like you to forget is how pineapples have come to look as they do and what they looked like prehistorically.  


            Eons ago before the ice age and before the volcanic destruction of most of prehistory (ie dinosaurs, unicorns and the like) Pineapples of yore much more closely resembled their citrus cousins.  (See Figure I. below)  They had similar rinds, inside of which were sections of citrus goodness, and all was well with the world.  Unfortunately, a comet hit the earth causing the tectonic plates to shift, volcanoes to form which spewed piping hot magma and ash into the air causing global warming which led to the first ice age.  


"What happened to the pineapple during this time period?" you ask.   Well dear readers, I shall tell you.  


     Due to the pineapple's precarious location (the landmass now known as Hawaii) the pineapple nearly became as extinct as the dinosaur, but due to a genetic miracle they mutated into the uniquely shaped fruit we all now know and love.   

Figure I: Prehistoric pineapple sitting next to its fellow Citrus Kin.

        The magmatic conditions on the island (See figure II. below) forced the fruit to create a thicker rind much different from its other Citrus brethren who were basking in the relatively lava-free mediterranean coast.  Where the internal fruit of the pineapple in prehistoric days formed into well divided sections due to its transformation it now formed into a tight cylinder protecting it from heat and molten lava.  The previous trees on which pineapples once grew were now shorter and squatter so that they could carry the much heavily armored pineapple.  

Figure II: The Evolution of Pineapple due to magmatic conditions in Hawaii.

      Charles Darwin would have been astonished had he realized that his "missing link" was right before him in his dish of fruit cocktail.  All the evidence he ever needed to prove his theory of evolution was right before his eyes.  Sadly he died nearly one hundred years before pineapples biggest champion (myself) was born.  I raise my glass of Pineapple juice to his memory.  


Whew,  this has been quite a journey my friends.  All of my years of study has finally paid off.  To my supporters-you know who you are- I thank you.  To those who doubted me for all these years and who now see the light- I say- have no fear-I embrace you with open arms. This is a movement by the people and for the people.   I ask you this, dear reader, to think with your heart and not the head.  


            Yes, if you look on Wikepedia  they are going to tell you the "man's" answer.  Despite the fact that I am a man, (and a very nice and caring one at that) I am not THE man and this allows me to see past the falsities and recognize the long hidden truth that pineapple is indeed a Citrus fruit.


I would like to divulge that although I have been contacted by the Société genevoise d'utilité publique about the possibility of being awarded the Nobel Prize for Fruit Justice it has in no way swayed or altered my dedication to this movement. If awarded I will accept it on behalf of pineapple and not for myself.


Thank you all for your support and faith throughout all these trying years.


Tim


Footnote


*: This term while well accepted in many circles has yet to be found in any Latin book. All the more reason to believe in the 
conspiracy of the "MAN".


** This term while known to many in this debate has been mysteriously struck from encylopedias, dictionaries and even from school text books from the 1980s.  If only Unsolved Mysteries was still on the air!!!!