Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Dear Neighbors: YOU SUCK

Dear Neighbors (aka The man and woman living above me),

You suck.

Let me clarify.  I am sure that you don't suck as human beings or at least your SOUL doesn't suck. That being said, you definitely suck as neighbors.  There is no doubt about that fact. I checked with the creator(s) of the known Universe and he/she/it/they agreed 100% that you do indeed suck as neighbors. (He/She/It/They also randomly commented on how much they liked my style. You really didn't need to know that but I thought it might lighten the tone of this letter.)

I am beginning to think that somehow I missed the fact that the two of you are actually centaurs. That would explain why you clomp and clomp and well...clomp constantly. Being half horse explains why you make such a loud sound while walking but it doesn't explain why you feel compelled to clomp at 4am in the morning and that is the least of the reasons why you suck.

Here is an illustration of what occurred at 4am in our respective apartments Tuesday morning:

[Figure I: Upstairs:You two all drunk noisy & clomping. Downstairs: Me trying to sleep at 4a.m. For the record I time stamped this event by calling the scientists at the World Clock in Greenwich, England. They were really nice and very smart folks.After explaining why I was calling them they told me to tell you two to "shut it" and "knock it off!" You may want to consider their advice. I mean, they are WORLD scientists after all which ought to count for something.]

BTW: I have diagnosed both of you with ADHD.  Fortunately for you both there are psychiatric medications which can help such as Ritalin, Concerta, Adderrall or if you have substance abuse problems you might consider the non-habit forming Straterra.

Oh, and that brings me to your other diagnosis: Alcohol abuse. (Technically I haven't known you two for very long so I can't honestly say whether you may also have Alcohol dependence but that is looking pretty likely as well.)

FYI (For your Information):

You are not the only two humans (or creatures, if indeed you are centaurs) to inhabit this earth and more specifically (and more to the point) this apartment building.

I know this will be surprising but when you drink a whole lot of alcohol you will get drunk (this is true for either humans or centaurs-I checked with Google).  More specifically when you two get drunk you stumble around and fight with each other. Thus bringing me to yet another truth:

You not only suck as neighbors but you also suck as a couple.  In case you doubt me I have supporting proof.  Fighting at 3am in the morning 6 out of 7 days a week by definition means you are failures in your relationship, I know this because I checked with all of the collected knowledge from the beginning of mankind/centaur time.

I  know from observation that you two love constant arguing and storming out of rooms.  While yelling and storming out of rooms is more than appropriate in both bars and soap operas (especially Dallas or Dynasty) they are not appropriate for residences marked by shared common walls, floors and ceilings.

May I also point out that your apartment is not that big, so storming out of one room and into another is not particularly dramatic. You know what might actually very dramatic? Maybe you could storm out of your apartment and never come back! Now that would be SOOO dramatic. Why don't you try that? Both of you.

I would suggest you break up but no other two human beings and/or centaurs would want either of you and you should stay together because I doubt either of your could actually survive on your own.

This brings me to what I thought would have been an obvious statement of physics which has apparently gotten by you both. Since you live on the second floor of our shared apartment building your floors are my ceilings. Therefore your clomping is also my clomping (if you get my meaning which I suspect you don't.)

May I be so bold to make the following recommendations:

Move to Another residence. One that has no shared space.  May I strongly encourage you to consider the Country.  If you cannot afford a house or trailer perhaps a tent would suffice,   I have heard loud noises keep predators away, so neither of you should have any problems.

I see that you attended a State University (and that it was NOT the University of Louisville). Perhaps this education was not sufficient (Believe me when I say that it wasn't). Maybe you could both enroll at the University of Louisville in all of the following classes:

Common Sense: 101
Common Decency: 101
The Worth of Others: 101
Narcissism: 101 Admitting it is the first step
Narcissism: 201 You are not cured yet so retake 101 and Then Come Back
Home Ec. for Centaurs: 101 (this one is not mandatory but knowing you two it couldn't hurt)

    So I thank you selfish-rude-neighbors for reading this blog post and taking all of this under consideration.  I know that it may be a wake up call to know that others can be negatively affected by your actions but I thought it my duty since each of your respective parents/foster parents/orphanage staff/wolves (or whomever happened to partially raised you) as well as society as a whole has somehow failed to instill this into your twenty something brains.

See you soon or should I say "Hear you soon!"


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