Sunday, September 1, 2013

10 Reasons why you would have fake bullet-hole decals on your car.

      So, I was walking down the street today and saw a car with two fake bullet hole decals on it.  It made me wonder: "Why would anyone have two bullet hole decals on their car?"

      I suspect that you and many others like yourself have often wondered the very same thing and now thanks to this happy twist of fate I'm going to share the distilled results of my hours of personal research into the matter.

I have calculated that there are a total of 10 possible reasons why you would have bullet hole decals on your car:

(Quick aside. ((I just love asides!! Wait, this is an aside to my original aside! Sorry about that. I tend to get carried away with asides. They're just so much fun!)) Now back to the aside: By "YOU" I mean the formal "ONE" as in "Why would ONE put fake bullet-hole decals on one's car? But since this is the Internet and the most Post Modern of all communication forums I thought it best to be hip and cool and use the more common "You" My apologies to language purists.)

1. You live the "thug life."

2. You want people to think you live the "thug life."

3. You used to live the "thug life" and you want to remind yourself what could happen if you returned to said "thug life."

4.  You know that someone has put a hit out on you and you want them to believe that the drive-by has already been performed.

     There are two addendum to # 4:
  • If you want people to believe that a drive-by has been performed please remember to use more than two bullet hole decals on your car, otherwise they will think the drive-by was unsuccessful and possibly drive-by yet again.
  • For the record shouldn't the spelling of "drive-by" actually be "drive-bye". 
    • By definition a drive-by is when a vehicle (car/bus/van/motorcycle/motor-scooter/bicycle/unicycle/tricycle/one of those military motorcycles with those cute little side-cars/etc) drives-by and someone from within the moving vehicle shoots a gun at someone outside of their vehicle who is either on the sidewalk, in another car or in one's own yard or a friend's yard, or a stranger's front, back, or I suppose even side yard. 
    • The perpetrator drives-by and shoots you (hence the term drive-by).  Yet the entire point of the drive-by  is to end your life and thereby creating the ultimate "bye" as in "good-bye." Thus making more sense to say "drive-BYE."
    • From now on in my mind when I hear someone else say "drive-by" I will spell it out in my head as "drive-bye."  I encourage you to do the same. 
    • I am in the process of drawing up papers with my lawyer to copyright this new spelling but never fear! I would never charge anyone for the use of the "e," especially since it should have been there to begin with.  It's my public duty to correct a grammatical error (is spelling a grammatical error? Let's say it is. Shall we?) much like it's my duty to tell everyone that Huey Lewis is very much ALIVE. (Hopefully that statement will put his lawyers and the entire matter at rest.) I had inadvertently/accidentally been telling people for YEARS that I didn't have the heart to watch the movie DUETS starring Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow since it was the last movie Huey made before his untimely death. I really am sorry, Huey!! How many times can I say it?! I swear I heard you had died from Entertainment Tonight or Hard Copy or maybe it was one of those "Farewell" issues of People Magazine. Why would I make it up? Why?!
5. You want your friends, enemies, frienemies and/or strangers to say one/all of the following:
  • "Wow, Bob (or whatever your name is) is living on the edge! Did you see those bullet holes on his/her car?"
  • "Bob (or whatever your name is) is so ironic! Did you see those fake bullet hole decals on his/her car? What a cool hipster he/she is."
  • "Man, Bob (or whatever you name is) is so rad.  I've got to get him/her to tell me where he/she got those wicked-awesome fake bullet decals that he/she put on his/her car. I'm so totally jealous!"
6.   You went to the Carl Casper's Auto Show and saw that Knight Rider's Kitt was sporting some way cool fake bullet decals and you just had to have some too.

7.   Some punk-kids put them on your car.

8.   You have them on your car because fake bullet hole decals get you the Ladies (and/or Men).

9.   They were on your car when you bought it and you have been too lazy to take them off.

10. Simply put: You are too cool for school.

And those Ladies and Gentlemen are the only 10 reasons why you would have fake bullet hole decals on your car.  Any other possibilities will fall neatly within these 10. The End.

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